It’s that time of year again, Canada! Time to put 16 people from across the country in a life sized dollhouse, cut them off from the outside world, force them to battle each other and their own paranoia while dangling dollar signs over their heads. It’s Big Brother Canada! Similar to if the Stanford Prison experiment and Keeping Up With the Kardashians were mashed together and drizzled with maple syrup.

And this year looks to be even Twistos Twistier than before. It may even be so Twistos Twisty that I will actually find out what a Twisto is.

For the next 10 weeks I’ll be recapping all the goings on that you need to know in the Big Brother Canada house on Sunday (Nominations), Monday (Veto) & Wednesday (Eviction). All of which Global has conveniently scheduled in totally different time slots so that programming your DVR is a Twistos Twist for the audience.

Speaking of the audience, in the next 24 hours Canada will be deciding who gets eliminated first. In previous seasons the audience has been able to play along at home for certain bonuses or to impact the game, but BBCAN has stepped it up quite a few notches this season. Host Arisa Cox promised in tonight’s premiere that Canada would be given opportunities to unlock “The Vault”, a 24 hour secure location hidden in the house.

“The Vault” isn’t a secret from the house guests. They got a nice view of its contents on the big screen… all of their personal belongings, the house’s furniture and all the food are locked up tight. Big Brother isn’t playing around. The HG’s were told “Yes, you’ll be sleeping on the floor”. The look of shock and horror on the faces of so many over/under dressed people was priceless. I think I might like this newer, nastier Big Brother.

Unfortunately the new nasty comes with a theme: Steampunk.  I’m guessing it’ll be the most Googled thing in Canada this week. To save anyone from seeing things they’d rather not in their Google image search the short definition is “A subgenre of Sci-Fi that incorporates technology and aesthetic designs inspired by 19th-century industrial steam-powered machinery”. Mostly I associate it with douche moustaches, goggles, and an abundance of copper.

The real theme of the first episode is always meeting the HG’s. The entirety of a person’s character boiled down into a 30 second tagline. BBCAN Season 3 has been cast like a book of stereotypes come to life. Seeing as the HG’s themselves couldn’t even remember each others’ names before they had to nominate someone to evict I’ve decided to give them nicknames which may or may not change as their personalities emerge. Let’s meet them shall we?

• Quarterback Zach – 22, Regina, SK
  He’s pre-med at the University of Regina where he’s also a Quarterback and his hero is his Dad. He’s looking to play a clean game, as evidenced by stopping mid competition to ask if Risha was okay.
• Daisy Duke Ashleigh – 21, Calgary, AB
  She thinks Quarterback Zach is hot and wore tiny jean shorts and I think rode a mechanical bull in her intro, though I could be imagining that part.
• Jordan Wizard Chess – 21, Cloverdale, BC
  He has no problem lying, loves chess, wears glasses and wants to get with the ladies. Early front-runner for HG I will dislike most.
• God-Freud (Godfrey) – 22, Toronto, ON
  Godfrey was born in Zimbabwe and he’s a psychology major focused on the prize money not the people.
• Stoner Sarah – 27, Toronto, ON
  Works at a Vape Lounge and doesn’t believe in anything including God & Government.
• It’s Brittnee Bitch – 25, Toronto, ON
  Brittnee seems sweet as can be and models in NYC. You better work!
• Halfpipe (Willow) – 26, Nova Scotia/Calgary
  A snowboarder looking for love and rolling around in a bikini in -20C as preparation.
• Greg Graig – 36, Pitt Meadows, BC
  A mohawked ginger baseball scout hoping to meet some ladies. On paper the bio should make him my favourite. Then he sprouted a bro-ism, so I doubt the romance will last.
• Empress Naeha – 29, Toronto, ON
  Naeha is a chiropractor “in the process of building my empire” and gave the dirtiest scowl when she was told Big Brother had taken all her clothes.
• Johnny Veto – 26, Winnipeg, MB
  Johnny is a superfan. SUPER. FAN. He’s such a SUPER FAN he named his dog Veto.
• Papa Bruno – 31, Ottawa, ON
  The only HG so far to have children (that we know about), a construction worker by day and the #1 ranked Dark Age of Camelot player. Which I guess is a thing?
• Classy Kevin – 21, Calgary, AB
  Kevin is a professional poker player. Who loves Cougars. And big boobs. And every time he sees big boobs he wants to motorboat them. Classy.
• Risha the Cougar – 41, Toronto, ON
  Normally I would hesitate to call any woman a cougar, but Risha is one. And proud to be one. Which she talked all about while wearing almost the exact same dress as Julia Robert’s did in Pretty Woman and doing stripper pole aerobics. She looks like Charlize Theron’s Canadian cousin.
• Fun Bobby – 27, Oakville, ON
  Fun Bobby came with a built-in nickname. He’s a rock climbing instructor with a 6-pack who lives in a tiki-themed basement. Fun Fact Fun Bobby, the Friends character your nickname was stolen from was only Fun Bobby because he was an alcoholic.
• Sindy With An S – 25, Toronto, ON
  Sindy With An S really wants everyone to know it’s not a C. Sindy With An S is a cruise director and beauty queen who said “I know I’m pretty thank you very much” and was shocked that Quarterback Zach could spell.
• Peely Pilar – 22, Dartmouth, NS
  Pilar is a Mexican cheerleader who loves to giggle and no one can pronounce her name. Probably because it’s spelled Pilar but sounds like Peely.

As soon as the HGs got through sitting on the floor (because they have no furniture) and introducing themselves kindergarden-style they were told that each of them were the Head of Household and would have to immediately nominate 2 people for eviction. One by one the little mice went off to confess who they wanted out even though they couldn’t remember each other’s names yet. Except of course Sindy With An S who secured herself a spot on the chopping block alongside Risha the Cougar. I can’t figure out what people didn’t like about Risha, but they seemed suspicious that she was “confident”. Even Classy Kevin couldn’t resist nominating Risha the Cougar who the producers clearly are hoping to be the other half of his showmance.

In keeping with the Steampunk theme, the Power of Veto competition was done in what appeared to be bondage aviator costumes. Risha, Sindy, Naeha, Kevin, Zach & Bobby all had to retrieve puzzle pieces to complete a veto sign, then crack a 3 digit code on a safe to win the power of veto. The boys powered through the physical half of it but got stumped on the mental part long enough for Risha the Cougar to catch up. Sadly somehow Sindy With An S shot through puzzle and won the power of veto.

So Sindy With An S lives to see week 2. Yay. In pulling herself off the block Sindy With An S then had to nominate a replacement and poor Peely Pilar now finds herself at the mercy of Canada’s vote against Risha the Cougar. Why? Because Sindy With An S didn’t get a nice to meet you hug. Seriously.

That’s it for now, kids… see you back here on Wednesday!

To play along and save Peely or the Coug visit Big Brother Canada’s site.