When we last left the houseguests they had just found out all their belongings, the furniture for the house and all the food were locked up tight in a vault. Oh the humanity! The horror! The hyperbole! Sleep on a hard floor? Not change their clothes? Have only slop to eat? One HG (and I want to say it was Sindy With an S but I’m not sure) described it as how they treat people when they torture them in war. Another exclaimed “We don’t even have a garbage!”
The Canadian Homeless Research Network in 2013 said that 200,000 Canadians experience homelessness in any given year. Actual homelessness. Not “I voluntarily signed up for a game and now I’m sleeping on a floor in a climate controlled studio with running water woe-is-me”, so you’ll excuse me if I’m less than sympathetic to their imagined plight.
To their credit not everyone complained. Most, but not everyone. Johnny Veto got to cuddle on the floor with Classy Kevin who he is majorly crushing on and called “questioning”. Classy Kevin, meanwhile, was wishing he was cuddled up with one of the sexy ladies, no question about it.
Speaking of sexy ladies, Peely Pilar & Risha the Cougar are on the block and have no idea that there’s a Twistos Twist! wherein Canada will actually be sending one of them home. Risha goes into full Cougar mode as her strategy is “bond with the girls, flirt with the boys” and tries to get all coy with Classy Kevin (the admitted Cougar lover) but he admits in the diary room it was really awkward. Didn’t stop him from ogling her when she went topless in the hot tub. A lot. It’s possible that Classy Kevin actually doesn’t know what a Cougar is. Or (and please don’t let this be the case) to the 22 year old perhaps “Cougars” are just women over 30 and Risha’s 41 years are just too much for him to handle.
Enabling the second half of her plan Risha the Cougar starts to befriend Sindy With An S who has her own agenda (of course she does) to be BFFN’s. Best Friends For Now. Oh, Sindy With An S, if you’re trying to be the villain of the season you’re doing well so far.
Just when it seems the HGs have started to embrace their lack of belongings and go full Buddha (which is why I assume none of the dudes are wearing shirts) Arisa shows up to tell them they can get their stuff, they just have to keep 5 consecutive balloons from touching the ground for 5 hours each. Inside each is a number that will form the code to open the vault. No problem, right?
Ha. TWISTOS TWIST! Kevin is called to the Diary Room and told that he can have the $1000 laid out on the table in front of him and no one needs to know he just has to pop one of the balloons. He debates for about 10 seconds before deciding that Canada will love him for doing it. Classy Kevin has officially been put on Ego Alert.
So he steals and earring and stealthily pops the giant balloon and jumps up and down in the bathroom with glee before heading back for his cash to make it rain. Though seeing as it’s ten $100 bills he sort of makes it drizzle. Meanwhile Stoner Sarah & It’s Britnee Bitch think it’s hella suspish for a balloon to just pop like that. Sarah thinks it was Kevin and BritBrit suggests that he might be a Saboteur. Smart ladies! Let’s just hope they keep those rumours to themselves or they will be out of there tout suite.
Cut to them finally getting all the balloons popped and having a series of numbers to try to unlock the Vault. They seem to unanimously decide Johnny Veto should be the one to crack the code. Why? No particular reason. Johnny can’t do it and gets very emotional which ends happily when Classy Kevin gives him a back rub. Meanwhile Quarterback Zach steps in and seems to crack it on the first go (though I’m guessing that was editing magic). Wizard Chess Jordan takes all the credit for doing it as a team in his confessional because the Nerd & the Jock have formed the first alliance of the house so I guess what’s mine is yours?
The Vault opens but not so fast whiny whinersons, someone has to put the house back together! And who better to do it than you? While wearing t-shirts from our furniture sponsor the Brick! Because Canada, we love you, but we gotta get that sponsor cash to keep this show from failing.
With the house back in order and clean clothes and food for all the game can finally begin. Greg Graig leads a yoga class in the backyard much to the delight of Quarterback Zach who could “watch (Daisy Duke) Ashleigh’s downward dog all day”. (Let the Showmance begin!) Risha the Cougar and Sindy With An S are having a bitch sesh in the bathroom and Risha is ready to LOSE IT. She finally has mascara back so it’s time to focus on the fact that she’s up for eviction and Peely is just going around the house like it’s no big deal.
Turns out Cougar Town had a good reason to be on edge… cause Canada voted her out.
But TWISTOS TWIST! (of course)… Arisa tells her that she could be going back in the house. Risha gets sent off to sequester and the audience is told one of the first 5 evicted will be going back in, details to follow, and it’s all thanks to KFC. Not really sure why, but okay. I’ll start working on my Original Recipe jokes.
We leave the house as the Head of Household competition is about to start. The boys are in blue and the girls are in pink (way to keep those stereotypes alive BB), and they’re standing in lucite boxes. They’re told they’ll have to stay off the ground by any means necessary to win HOH. The first 8 eliminated will be going into a Have Not competition.
So there you have it Canada… the first elimination (that might not actually count) is through and the game can get rolling. Even better? Live Feeds are up!
Until next time…
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