Masochism. That’s the only thing I can think of. The only reason I can fathom that made me decide to start out this series of articles by watching the Twlight “saga”.
I put saga in quotes because put simply Twilight isn’t dramatic enough to be a saga. Honestly, in most sagas things actually happen. So far very little has happened in these stories.
New Moon starts out pretty much right where Twilight left off. Sad Depressed Girl and Sparkly Vampire are now an item. Madly in something that they tell each other is love but is actually Sad Depressed Girl latching on to Sparkly Vampire for something to define herself with because she doesn’t have any self worth or a personality of her own, and Sparkly Vampire Keeping a pet around to remind himself of what it used to be like to have a pulse. Not so much love as codependence. Which, I suppose, is at least something for each of them.
Interestingly, Sad Depressed girl has some skin tone now. She didn’t get a tan in the fucking desert, but she doesn’t look quite so dead anymore. Unless you count her eyes which manage to convey roughly nothing for the duration of the film.
It’s Sad Depressed Girls birthday and she’s freaking out because she’s 18, which makes her older than her 100 year old boyfriend. I don’t really get why this isn’t a red flag for Sparkly Vampire. Why isn’t he looking at this girl and thinking to himself “holy shit this one’s a bit nuts.”? Usually the ones who want everything to remain perfect like the first time they met turn out to be serial killers or people who talk at the cinema or someone else destined for a special place in hell.
Anyway, everyone gives her gifts even though she doesn’t want them. She’s at Sparkly Vampires family’s house and gets a paper cut and everyone except for Sparkly Dad goes fucking apeshit. One of them tries to eat her, fucking finally, but everyone else holds him back.
With this turn of events Sparkly Vampire decides that he can’t protect Sad Depressed Girl, breaks up with her, and leaves town. Thus concludes the first five minutes of the movie =, and anything else that can reasonably be called “interesting stuff happening”.
No, seriously, the next hour and forty five minutes are basically all Sad Depressed Girl being even more sad and depressed than usual. She sits in a chair for months, then one day figures out she will hallucinate about Sparkly Vampire if she doesn’t do stupid shit, and starts doing stupid shit to have more hallucinations. It’s a good thing she keeps this to herself too because she’d probably be committed to a psych ward if she told anyone.
So months pass and despite presumably still going to school she manages to not talk to any of her other friends except Buffy the Werewolf, who doesn’t go to her school. How? When I was in high school we had to be there all day! Then again in the last movie classes were only 5 minutes long so maybe she has more free time and less contact with other students than I did when I was in high school.
Anyway, she constantly hangs out with Buffy the Werewolf and he falls truly madly deeply in love with her for, you know, reasons. I’d tell you what those reasons are, but that would require the movie telling me what they are. Which it doesn’t. In fact, it’s not really clear why anyone does anything in these films.
She doesn’t want that, I guess because she longs for the cold dead touch of one monster rather than the warm fuzzy touch of a werewolf. Or maybe she just doesn’t like wet dog smell.
Eventually Sad Depressed Girl jumps off a goddamned cliff so she can have a hallucination, she’s saved by Buffy, and then Baby Sister Good Vampire shows up because she can tell the future, or something, and thinks Sad Depressed Girl is dead. Which makes no sense, because later in the film she can basically see everything that Sparkly Vampire is doing as he does it, but she misses the bit where the werewolf saves someone she “already thinks of as a sister’.
You know, I’ll admit it’s kind of a cool idea to give the vampires their own superpowers to go with their endless thirst for blood, but so far it seems like none of the ones we know about consistently work. Or at least, only work when is convenient to the plot.
Oh, right. I almost forgot how fucking lazy this story is.
Anyway, now Sparkly Vampire thinks his pet is dead and decides to kill himself which he can apparently only do by committing suicide by cop. The Vampire Police Department live in Italy and are run by Police Chief Michael Sheen, which is a good thing because he plays creepy and weird so well.
Sad Depressed Girl stops Sparkly Vampire, they all go to Vampire Police HQ and they say “Sad Girl must die because she knows about Vampires.” And then Future Telling Sparkly Baby Sister says “no it’s all good she’ll be a vampire one day, maybe” and with that the Vampire Police say “oh, ok, we’re cool then. See you later, we have some tourists to eat.” And that’s it. For being a group so old and powerful and dangerous they don’t really seem to be any of those things.
We get one more stand off between Buffy and Sparkly and then Sparkly says “Marry Me” and it cuts to black.
Now, given how many words I’ve written it might seem like a lot has happened in this movie but it really hasn’t. It’s over two hours long and I’ve given you a pretty detailed summary of the first five minutes, the last ten minutes, and just a smattering of things in between. For around an hour and forty minutes nothing happens other than a sad girl being depressed because her undead boyfriend isn’t around to define her self worth.
And this is probably my biggest problem with the movies so far. The main character isn’t a character, she’s a blank slate. She has no personality of her own. She doesn’t even have the balls to move on with her life after Sparkly breaks up with her. She doesn’t even try. And then, after he’s treated her like shit, she still flies around the world (without even telling her father or anyone) to save his life. What the fuck people! She’s decided she wants to be a vampire in this movie too, she literally decides to give up her fucking life, and when she does she doesn’t get to do it on her own, she has the rest of the vampires vote on it for her!
When I watched Twilight I made more fun of it than I did this time because while that movie was ridiculous but it was easier to get past. This movie has just made me angry. Angry because this “saga” isn’t a story of love, it’s a story of co-dependance, of a broken person who makes no effort to have a life of her own and a dead guy, and the message they are putting forth to all the young girls watching is “you’re not good enough on your own”, and that’s fucking terrible.
Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81