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Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Posted by Matthew on December 09, 2012
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Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt1 Poster

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt1 Poster

Christ on the motherfucking cross. I have been having trouble each time I go to start these reviews of Twilight because so little happens in each one. Honestly, it’s hard to write about nothing. I don’t know how Stephanie Meyer does it because while I have a hard time writing about nothing it must be even harder to actually just write nothing.

That’s what these films are so far, in case you haven’t put this together from my previous twilight reviews. Something happens, and then a shit load of people looking sad, talking about looking sad, and laying around, and staring at one another. It’s been kind of infuriating, and I still have one more movie to go because they made two movies out of the last book! There’s so much nothing they couldn’t cram it all into one 2 hour movie!

So Sad Girl and Sparkly are finally married. They go away to the island that Sparkly’s mom owns for their honeymoon. Wait, what? Ok, wait, I know that the Sparkle Family is old and all but how much money do they have anyway? Is this ever made clear? It makes sense they’d have enough to fly around the world at the drop of a hat, but enough for Sparkle Dad to give his wife a fucking Brazilian island? Oh, wait, Stephanie Meyer is a lazy writer. Nevermind.

Anyway, they go away and they’re married. So maybe instead of just laying around in meadows and starting at each other maybe Sad Girl and Sparkly can finally have some sex and then maybe they can smile. For once. Instead of standing around with their mouths half open worrying about whether the last 30 seconds were the best or second best thirty seconds of their lives.

Turns out it doesn’t work though. Good sweet jesus these people can’t even have sex without moping about for ages. Except this time it’s mostly Sparkly being all “omg i gave you a bruise” and to her credit, Sad Girl being all “FUCK YEAH BRUISES I LIKE IT! WHY AREN’T YOU PLOUGHING ME LIKE A BEAN FIELD??”

Although I don’t understand why when he says “I don’t want to hurt you” she doesn’t say “then let me be on top for once you selfish prick.” And then when she finally does it fades to black and I remembered I was watching a kids movie. Le sigh.

And then because there hasn’t been any drama for the last while it turns out that Sparkly has put his demon spawn in her belly. Which isn’t even hyperbole, he’s literally a demon and his spawn is in her belly and everyone starts moping again.

As an aside I have a question for Stephanie Meyer: In her world vampires don’t have blood. You can rip their heads off, slice, them dice them, make julienne fries out of them, nothing. No blood. But somehow they have all the other bodily fluids. How does that make any sense whatsoever?

Aaaaaaaanyway. They go back to Drearytown and don’t tell anyone, but then the Gay Wolf Club find out and get their cutoffs in a bunch, and then there’s well over an hour of brooding while nothing happens.

Sad Girl stays pregnant for a while, the Demon Spawn apparently is eating her from the inside out and the Gay Wolf Club gets really upset. because if a vampire hurts a human that’s, like, bad and they blame Sparkly. For, you know, reasons.

Then the baby is born and Sad girl “dies” on the table and Buffy the Werewolf blames Demon Spawn and decides to kill Demon Spawn. What the hell is it with Stephanie Meyer and killing kids? So Buffy goes to do that but when he sees the Demon Spawn, the newborn baby, he fucking falls in love with it.

Let me repeat that. Buffy the Werewolf falls in love with a baby. There’s a brief fight outside between the Gay Wolf Club and Sparkly Family but then they find out Buffy fell in love and they’re all “oh, really? right, we’re cool then bro.” and leave. Then Sad Girl wakes up with red eyes, which means she’s a vampire.

And that’s it.

Now, I know that this movie is really just an adaptation of the first two thirds of the last book so finding an ending in there was probably pretty hard, but it’s like Stephanie Meyer doesn’t ever want to take an real risks. This is something I’ve noticed in all four of the movies so far is that there’s a shit load of build up to each of the films climaxes but then nothing happens. No one is ever hurt or killed or anything. At worst, in the second film, everyone got a stern reprimand from the Vampire Police. Heaven forbid her characters even have to learn something or grow.

It’s bad enough that the overreaching message of this “saga” is that what not having any self esteem or personality and latching onto the nearest person who will treat you with any regard whatsoever –even if it’s just as a pet, which is how Sparkly treats Sad Girl– is the same thing as falling in love, it’s also pretending that this lazy ass excuse for a story is good writing, good drama. I think if when I am one day a parent my kid picks up these books? I am going to make it a rule that they read Shakespeare or Tolkien Steinbeck or Fitzgerald in between the books just so they understand how bad their choice actually was.

The one thing that this movie gives me some slight hope for is the last movie. Since it’s just an adaptation of the last act of the last book it’s basically all going to be ending. It’s a slight hope, given this series history with shitty endings, but there is one other thing to consider:

I’ll finally be done watching this fucking dreck and move onto watching something else terrible..

Rating: 1/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

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Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: Eclipse

Posted by Matthew on December 02, 2012
Movies / Comments Off on Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: Eclipse
Twilight: Eclipse Poster

Twilight: Eclipse Poster

I almost want to say that in watching these movies I’m becoming more interested in seeing what happens next. I thought about this for a few minutes last night after watching Eclipse and I came to the conclusion that I don’t so much want to see what happens next as I do want to see something, fucking anything happen in these movies. I’ve got two more to go after this one and it’d be nice if at least one of the five movies has anything of consequence to the characters actually happening.

That being said, as compared to New Moon Eclipse is a fucking masterpiece of character development. Sort of. If you don’t count that said development has also already happened in the last five minutes of the last movie. Seriously, at the end of the last movie Sad Girl tells Buffy the Werewolf that she’ll always choose the Sparkly Vampire –something that she repeats at the start of this film– and then she spends most of this film choosing between Buffy and Sparkly.

I knew the love triangle seemed forced but I was chalking that up to bad acting more than anything because nothing else happens in these movies. I’m three films in now and nothing of consequence has really happened to anyone except that the Clingy Sad Girl was adopted as a pet by the Sparkly Vampire. I think so that he can live vicariously through her. Pun completely intended.

So this time around the bad guy is the Sparkly Ginger from the first movie. She showed up for about 30 seconds in the last one so we’d know she’s still around, but now she’s the big bad. Or so they tell me, because she only has about 30 seconds of screen time. She spends most of the movie not in the movie and there’s an entirely new guy she creates and apparently controls.

The reason for this is that it turns out that Future Telling Sparkly Baby Sister can’t actually see the future, she can see the outcomes from peoples decisions, and that she’s focussing on Gingers decisions so Ginger makes someone new to make decisions for her. First let me say that when you think about it this makes a kind of sense which is good because something in these films fucking has to. Thing is, that’s not how it’s really been portrayed so far, so it doesn’t make sense.

Anyway, Ginger hates Sparkly because Sparkly killed her boyfriend and now Ginger wants to kill Sparkly’s pet for revenge but she can’t do it on her own so she makes a few vampires and marches on forest town to kill people. While all these new vampires are being created the Vampire PD show up and do nothing but watch despite that one of the only laws VPD is meant to enforce is “don’t be an obnoxious twat and make a big mess” and these new vampires are obnoxious twats making a big mess.

There’s also a kid vampire who gets a bunch of screen time because later in the film they need a way to prove that VPD are the bad guys and the easiest way to do that? Have them kill the kid! No, seriously, the bag guys kill a kid. Slightly messed up.

And this happens right after the big final fight. Now, I will say that the big fight has a few cool moments. Watching Future Telling Baby Sister and her apparently civil war soldier boyfriend beat their way through some random bad guys is all right, and wolves eat vampires which is alright, and Sparkly kills ginger, which is alright.

Oh, yeah, Buffy the Werewolf and Sparkly decide to work together because Sparkly is outnumbered and Buffy likes killing vampires. And Sad Girl’s in danger, and he wants to protect her because he loves her for, you know, reasons.

But here’s the main reason why the big fight sucks. Future Telling Sister saw it coming in the first act. Every minor character spends the rest of the movie training and learning to work together with the Gay Wolf Club while Sad Girl, Buffy and Sparkly mope about how much Sad Girl loves Sparkly. And then it’s over in like 2 minutes flat, no one on the good guys side is hurt except for Buffy, after the fight, and then VPD shows up to say “by the way we’re still actually the bad guys even though we’ve done nothing in this movie. Look, we’ll kill a kid just to prove it.”

Speaking of the Gay Wolf Club, do they have jean shorts hidden everywhere in the state? Because every time they shape shift their clothes rip off, but every time they shift back and come around a corner as a person again they are wearing jean cutoffs. That’s weird, right? I can’t be the only one to have noticed this.

A lot of people I know feel like they are milking the shit out of Twilight by splitting the fourth book into two parts but you know what? I disagree. If Stephanie Meyer wrote things happening in that book it’s probably best we see them all. No, if they are milking Twilight it’s by not looking at New Moon and Eclipse and thinking “shit nothing happens here, maybe we should condense them into one movie.”

Granted, I don’t think that would have made a better movie but at least it would have been one less to sit through.

Rating: 1/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

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Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight

Posted by Matthew on November 18, 2012
Movies / 3 Comments

Twilight Poster

I’d like to start out by saying that I fully understand that this movie was not aimed at me, and that it is aimed at young girls. I fully get that this is the kind of thing that that audience goes for, just when their proto-emotions are kicking in and they’re starting to have crushes and think boys (or other girls, since it’s 2012) are dreamy and whatnot that this story is exactly how they think they feel.

That’s still no excuse for it being such a shitty movie.

I honestly don’t even know where to start. You all know the plot by now, assuming you’ve been within 100 feet of a teenaged girl within the last 5 years you must do. Sad depressed girl moves from the desert to the Pacific Northwest because of a skin condition she has that prevents her from getting a tan despite living in the desert. Sad depressed girl meets a sparkly vampire. Sad depressed girl decides she’ll give up everything for the sparkly vampire, up to and including her mortal life.

And another vampire wants to eat her, and a really lame fight happens. That’s pretty much all you need to know. It’s certainly all I remember. No, seriously, I literally just watched this movie and that’s about all I can remember other than “Hey, is that Anna Kendrick?” which wasn’t so much in the movie as it was something I said when I saw Anna Kendrick in the movie.

Not only is this a terrible story because it’s a terrible story, it’s a terrible story because kids have seen this movie and probably hope to feel what Sad depressed girl feels for Edward. A feeling that’s not so much reciprocated as Sparkly Vampire spends most of his time brooding about how much he wants to eat her. This is a terrible thing because Sad depressed girl clearly has some self confidence and emotional issues she’s not dealing with.

Let’s get this straight, this movie didn’t convince me that Sad depressed girl was in love with Sparkly Vampire, it convinced me that Sad depressed girl doesn’t value herself. She doesn’t even drive her own (admittedly awesome) old truck when he’s around! What the hell is going on!?

Or wait, maybe that’s just Kristen Stewart trying to act. She has the emotional range of a plank of wood. I’m pretty sure the only emotions she managed to convey were “holy shit a vampire” and “meh” and one of those isn’t even an emotion. Which I suppose must take some skill, actually.

I don’t know what’s up with Robert Pattinson in this film either. I know he can act, I’ve seen him do it in other movies. He isn’t always great, but at least he takes chances and can, you know, emote. In this there’s very little of that (except in comparison to Kristin Stewart), there’s just a lot of what I think is meant to be restraint. That’s what he keeps telling me it is, because Sad depressed girl is so tasty smelling he has to hold himself back like all the time. Except in the second and third act where they become really close and start going steady and spending all their time together, then it’s totally fine. He even smiles once or twice.

Also there’s a lot of little stuff in this movie that doesn’t make sense. Case in point, the first time Sad depressed girl gets near Sparkly Vampire is in biology class. She shows up, is welcomed by the teacher, handed books and lab gear, sits down, shares an awkward moment with Sparkly Vampire, and then the bell rings. What I’m left wondering is if she showed up for class an hour late or if funding for public education in Washington State is so bad that classes only last 3-5 minutes?

Also also, this is the weirdest version of vampires I think I’ve ever seen. They’re all daywalkers, they don’t have fangs, they sparkle in the sunlight, it doesn’t seem like anything short of having their head ripped off will actually hurt them, and they each get a superpower in addition to all the running, jumping and climbing trees they can do. Sparkly Vampire can read minds. Baby Sister Sparkly Vampire can tell the future. No wonder Sad Depressed Girl wants to be turned at the end, what if her power is something awesome like flight or mind control or losing control and turning into a giant green monster that can at least articulate one emotion?

So in conclusion, it’s poorly written and poorly acted. But wait, there’s more! It’s poorly shot and directed too! It’s crazy melodramatic already, but everything is shot to be as slick as possible in that way where the crew doesn’t seem to understand what slick is. When the bad vampires show up in their first scene they walk out of the mist but they are shot to look like they are floating. Or skating? It’s not really clear. It also looks like a shot out of a low budget TV movie, and the film is rife with crap like this. Low shots, high shots, lots of crazy jump cuts. It’s hard enough to watch because of the story and acting, why’d they have to go and make it visually frustrating as well?

Lastly, and this is more of a personal note, but Washington State is just down the street from where I live and you know what? Contrary to popular belief it isn’t overcast and rainy 100% of the time like it is in this movie. I mean, it rains a lot, but it’s not all the time. Hell, we had a sunny day just last week!

So, in closing, Twilight is a fucking awful movie and you really shouldn’t watch it. Or let anyone you know watch it. Or even talk about it ever again.

Rating: 1/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81


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