Matt Watches Bad Movies: Movie 43

Movie 43

So I decided to start watching bad movies again and I figured a good place to start would be with a recent movie which had a funny as hell trailer but turned out to be pretty much the worst thing in the world. The films tagline is “once you’ve seen it you can’t unsee it” and it’s true, just not in the way they intended.

Continue reading “Matt Watches Bad Movies: Movie 43”

Matt Watches Bad Movies: The Wicker Man (Unrated Version) (2006)

Wicker Man

Last week I was disappointed that the movie I watched wasn’t that bad.

Wait, no, the opposite of that. I was happy to watch a movie that wasn’t that bad. Since this is a column about bad movies though it didn’t really work in my favour and this week I may have over compensated slightly. Continuing with the Nic-Cage-A-Thon we’re watching the terrible 2006 remake of The Wicker Man. So let’s dive right in, shall we?

The film opens in rural America. Big mountains and big sky. Nic is a high patrol cop, and he’s an asshole about it. The words “Do you know why I pulled you over?” drip disdain every time they show him giving someone a ticket in the opening montage. Eventually a kid throws her doll out the window of the station she’s riding in. Nic picks it up and pull them over to give it back. The asshole kid IMMEDIATELY throws it back out. The mother tries to apologize as Nic goes to pick it up again, sighing as he contemplates the hell that is his life, a semi truck FUCKING CREAMS the station wagon. Nic tries to save them, screaming in casual disinterest as he does, but the car explodes and he passes out (presumably from attempting to emote).

An indeterminate amount of time later we catch up with Nic sitting at home in a sweatsuit which i sa clear indicator of the production value of this movie. He’s visited by one of his highway cop friends and she appears to be played by some sort of robot whose emotion setting is permanently stuck on “awkward”.

She has brought him get well soon cards from his colleagues and a letter that came for him. The letter is from his ex saying that her daughter is missing and begging for help in the most melodramatic yet emotionless tone ever.

I’m pretty sure Niel LaBute’s direction in this part of the movie was “ok, say it like it doesn’t actually matter” because no one has been able to convey any kind of real emotion so far.

Against all the advice of anyone in a position to give him advice Nic decides to go to help his ex. She lives on a small island in the pacific northwest in some kind of hippy commune. Nic takes a Ferry from the midwest to coast, and then finds a pilot to take him to the commune island. The conversation between Nic and the pilot goes something like this:

Nic: I need to go to the island

Pilot: No, they don’t like visitors and I don’t want to upset or disturb them

Nic: But I need to go to the island!

Pilot: No, they value their privacy and I respect that. I have a relationship with them developed over years and years I don’t want to jeopardize that.

Nic: How about if I give you 20 bucks?


Nic gets dropped off on the beach because when you’re flying a seaplane around a small island that’s stealthy and on his way to the village he runs into a group of women. He introduces himself and asks about the missing girl. They are doing their best not to laugh at him but it’s not really working. They can’t even make eye contact with him, the jerks. Two men then walk up carrying a canvas sack which clearly has something alive inside it struggling to get out and bleeding profusely. He asks to see what’s inside and they say no, he flashes his badge and demands so they open the bag and when he reaches for it it jerks and splatters blood and he just walks away and they laugh at him.

Wait, what the fuck just happened? He’s investigating foul play and doesn’t look in the bag that dripping copious amounts of blood? I guess that’s why he’s a highway patrol cop and not a detective.

Next he checks into the local inn which is run by a larger, but clearly older and outdated robot. It’s here we meet his ex. Her name is Poutyface McNoncommittal. She appears alternately perfectly happy and incredibly scared. It’s a rather acute form of Bi-Polar disorder.

Nic starts investigating. He meets the school teacher and she is having her kids torture a bird and also learn about how men are evil. Pretty awkward when Nic walks in. People are avoiding Nic questions and he’s slowly getting crazier and crazier. He sees the teacher again but she’s a different person in a different place and denies ever having spoken to him, for example. He also sees a pair of old blind twin ladies who speak in unison for some reason.

Eventually he gets stung by a bee and nearly dies because he’s allergic. I should probably mention, the main source of cash on this island is honey. That is, it’s basically a massive honey farm. Which is full of bees. And he’s allergic to bees. Again, highway cop, not a detective.

Anyway, he’s revived and meets the creepy old lady in charge. He asks her questions and she talks a lot but doesn’t answer.

That pretty much describes the next whole act of the movie. He asks questions and people avoid him or don’t give him any real answers and Nic goes crazier and crazier. It also becomes clear that men are second class citizens on the island. Held captive and abused by the women and only used for breeding.

He keeps wandering the island in despair, seeing the creep twins AGAIN and the corpse of the pilot who flew him to the island. The women killed him because no one would miss him on the mainland, right? I mean it’s not like he lives in a town or has a pilots license to renew or anything.

Eventually he figures out that the missing girl is both his daughter and about to be sacrificed to the gods to bring back the honey because there was a poor harvest the year before and a sacrifice to the old gods will bring it back. Oh, and did I menton that the women are pagans who worship ancient celtic gods? That becomes pretty clear what with the whole sacrifice. thing.

Nic then completely snaps and goes on a rampage. He goes to the inn and punches the elderly robot in the face so hard she shuts down. He steals her bear costume, yes, they dress as animals for the big sacrifice, and when everyone gets to the sacrifice site he runs up and punches a bunch more people takes the girl and runs. They come to a field and everyone is waiting for him. Surprise! You’re the sacrifice Nic! What a twist!

And everything goes off the rails. They brek his legs, put a mask on his head and fill it full of bees and then hoist him up into the head of a giant wicker effigy and the little missing girl sets it on fire and he burns to death.

This movie is fuckign absurd. In fact, I think it might have been an exercise in absurdist art except that they forgot to tell us about it. It’s almost like the film is from the persective of Nic’s character but this is just how he percieves things and he has some kind of metal health issues, paranoia, depression or schizophrenia, that causes his perception of events to become completely crazy.

It’s the only explanation for how everyone treats him in the film, either with kid gloves or with open “oh aren’t you just precious” condescension. It’s ridiculous. It’s not even worth watching for the scenes of Nic losing his shit that have gone on to be internet memes (see “how’d it get burned” and “not the bees!“). In fact, watch those two clips. Not only have you just sen everything worth seeing in this film, you get an idea of the level of acting in the film. It’s not so much “Academy Award” material as it is “12 year Old Playing Make Believe” material. How it made it into cinemas is beyond me.

Bottom line? Strictly avoid. This is the worst movie I’ve seen yet.

Rating: 0/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to tell me about it in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

Awesome: Everything Wrong with “The Room” in 8 Minutes or Less

CinemaSins continues their series of pointing out everything wrong with films, but this time they take on one of the worst films ever made: The Room. That’s why this one is nearly 8 minutes instead of the usual 4. The video is of course full of spoilers but you’ll probably have a better time watching this than the actual movie.

I’ve really gotta find a copy of this movie for Matt Watches Bad Movies.

[source: CinemaSins]

Matt Watches Bad Movies: Knowing


The Nic-Cage-A-Thon continues this week with another recent pick, 2009’s Knowing. How does Nic react to knowing the future? Let’s jump right in and find out!

It’s 1959 and we’re in your typical 1950s elementary school classroom. The teacher tells the kids that they are making a time capsule and the kids go APESHIT. Makes me long for childhood again, because i don’t get that excited about anything anymore. The kids then start working on drawing for the time capsule, except the creepy little girl who had the idea in the first place, she starts writing numbers. Lots and lots of numbers. The teacher then takes away the creepy girl’s paper before she can finish writing. It must be frustrating for the teacher because the creepy girl clearly has some form of autism and this is the 1950s so no one knows or cares what that is.

Fast forward to 2009 and the time capsule is being opened. Nic’s kid is of course the one who receives the crazy numbers because if he didn’t we wouldn’t have a plot at all. We couldn’t very well have Nic seeing the numbers in someone else’s hands and then stealing them from said kid. Although, that might be kind of hilarious.

Oh, and Nic is an astrophysicist. Remember that for later.

At home it’s revealed that Nic is an exhausted alcoholic single father and his kid is a deaf in the way where he can hear fine without a hearing aid. The kid has taken the numbers home and Nic gets angry and sends him to bed. Nic proceeds to get drunk and after a few hours spent watching television and wallowing in self loathing he takes a look at the numbers. He clears off a bulletin board and writes out a random group of the numbers and stares at it blankly for a few moments before realizing “hey, the first digits from this group is a the date, September 11th 2001 and then there’s four more digits!” Then he searches those numbers on the web and guess what? That’s how many people were killed on September 11th 2001.

So just for the record, he grabbed a random number grouping and they happened to turn out to be Sept 11th 2001. Of course they did, because America.

As a side note, I think it would have been funny if the numbers turned out to be written internationally and had turned out to be about the 9th of November.

So this goes on all night. Searching groups of numbers and finding disasters that correspond. He must have an uncanny knowledge of disasters as well, since he leaves big strings of numbers between each of the groupings he’s circled. If it were me I’d just see lots of numbers, but he’s managed to zero in on every relevant grouping like he’s fucking rain man or something.

And so the big mystery is set in motion. He goes to visit the teacher from 1959 and she turns out to be an alcoholic as well. She offers him tea, but only offers the gin to herself, and tells him about the creepy little girl who wrote the numbers and how she wrote more numbers on a door.

Meanwhile creepy albino people give his kid a black rock because, you know, reasons. Shortly after Nic’s sister shows up and is all concerned and he blows her off.

In another alcohol fuelled evening he figures out that the numbers he hasn’t circles are locations and that he’s basically at the location of the next disaster on the list. He drives to where the next disaster might be and there’s a massive traffic jam. He assume that he must be there and goes to ask someone what’s going on who gets about half way through saying “everything is fine” before a fucking plane crashes right into the traffic jam.

When he gets home he’s still in shock and tells everyone off and, I presume, starts drinking.

While he’s doing that the creepy albino people and show his kid a vision of the world ending. Fire, brimstone, animals running and on fire. Hell it looks like the air is on fire. It’s actually pretty a disturbing to show to a kid. Hell, it’s a disturbing scene to show me. When the kid starts crying Nic comes a-runnin’ and then runs outside after the creepy albino people yelling “you want some of this!” which is hilarious.

Now he’s still looking for more information on the numbers so he stalks the little girl who wrote them on the web. Finds a photo and it’s totally Rose Byrne. He then finds the girls daughter, also Rose Byrne, and stalks her in real life at a museum. Don’t ask me how he knew she’d be there because it’s not explained as far as I remember.

He manages to get her to come to lunch and then right off the bat starts asking all kinds of crazy questions, in that way that only Nic Cage can, about whether her mother had some kind of ability or if she was an albino with light coming out of her mouth and Rose Byrne runs away in response. This makes sense.

He then buys a gun, because America. Also because the creepy albinos are still watching the house.

At night he figures out the next place there’s going to be a disaster and since it’s New York City he calls the FBI and tells them a bomb is going to go off. He then dumps off his kid with his sister and goes to New York and when he gets there goes right up to a cop asking why they aren’t doing anything, to which the cop replies “Actually we’re waiting for a crazy guy who phoned in a bomb threat and …. wait, what did you say?”

Before the cop can finish Nic is running away and there’s more cops running after him. He dives into a subway station and for some reason starts chasing a purse snatcher. Every cop in New York is now chasing Nic (and they all recognize him on sight somehow) while he chases a purse snatcher. I guess he thinks that the purse snatcher is a terrorist, and in a way he is, but before we can have a serious debate about the matter a subway train derails and crashes through the station and kills everyone except Nic and a few cops.

That’s right, terrorism was just a red herring.

Rose Byrne is back now. Says the last day on the list is the day that her mother told her she’d die. Now everyone is in a car and they are going…. somewhere. Nic tries to sound deep as he talks about his wife dying and losing his faith but it doesn’t really work.

Turns out they were going to investigate Rose Byrne’s moms house, which is creepy as fuck. Trailer in the middle of nowhere and all kinds of conspiracy theory wall clutter of articles and photos and biblical references and such. Rose Byrne also points out that the last two digits aren’t 33 they are EE, and knows that that means “Everyone Else.” Dun Dun Dun. Wait, how did she know that?

Meanwhile in the unattended car the Albino people come to see the kids who are waiting patiently. Nic runs off into the creepy as fuck forest (and I think that’s the actual name of said forest) and when he catches up to one of the albinos the Albino turns around and belches light.

If you haven’t figured out the big twist at the end yet then this should serve as a pretty big clue.

It’s also at this point that the movie starts becoming the Crazy Nic Cage show. Fucking finally. No one does crazy the way that Nic Cage does crazy.

Nic the astrophysicist (remember, he’s an astrophysicist) finally starts cluing in that the sun might be a problem. They’ve been having record heat waves and cell phones don’t reliably work but it takes something the kid says for everyone to go “oh, the sun might blow up and kill us all.”

Everyone gets together in the car and drives off. Nic has a plan, but isn’t telling anyone what it is because, you know, reasons. He’s acting crazy and Rose Byrne is freaking out but rather than explain so that everyone would understand and be calm he just keeps stonewalling.

He’s going for the door that the last numbers got scratched onto so he’ll know where to go to save them, but since he’s acting fucking crazy and Rose Byrne is freaked out she drives away with the kids. She stops for gas and sees an emergency broadcast that says “the damage from the sun will be worse than we thought.” which is weird since we haven’t heard anything from anyone about the sun until the kid pointed it out 5 minutes ago.

At the same time the Albinos steal the kids and leave more of the rocks because of reasons. Rose Byrne steals a jeep to go after them and when she runs a red light she gets fucking creamed by a semi truck. No one could survive that. Nic shows up and sees her and she has survived. He the goes for the kids but she’s not with him because I guess she did die? It’s not really clear.

He gets to where the kids are and it’s a flat field full of the same rocks the albinos have been handing out like candy. Turns out they’re aliens (what a twist!) with what’s actually a pretty cool space ship.

They take the kids, but not Nic, to restart the human race. I don’t really see why they had to wait until the day the world ends to do this since it’s clear at this point that they are responsible for the numbers which means they knew about this happening at least 50 years in advance.

As the albino aliens take the kids away they turn into their natural less creepy form which is made of light and has wings and a .. halo.. around their… wait, they’re aliens and they’re angels? Good thing it’s not too heavy handed a reference.

Nic is now crying like only Nic Cage can. He passes out from it in fact and then wakes up at dawn to a world gone crazy. He drives through the center of town with Beethoven’s 7th playing. He gets to his parents house, they have a little reconciliation which includes the most awkward group hug in the world, and then the world ends as the sun explodes.

Cut to the kids playing in a field of terrible CGi grass on their new planet. Yay.

You know, this wasn’t actually as bad as I was expecting. Sure, the plot is a bit predictable at times but it’s actually a creepy creepy movie. In fact I think Nic Cage overacting might be it’s biggest failing other than a story that has so many convenient coincidences I’m surprised that one set of the numbers didn’t win anyone the lotto.

I can’t say as I recommend watching this, but if you’re going to choose a bad Nic Cage movie this one isn’t a bad one to go with.

Rating: 5/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to tell me about it in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

Matt Watches Bad Movies: Next


Oh Nicholas Cage, you wily rascal you. You have made some great movies in your time, but you’ve also made a whole bunch that I’ll be talking about for the next few weeks here in Matt Watches Bad Movies in what I’m calling my Nic-Cage-A-Thon!

Next, made in 2007, is based on a Philip K. Dick story, which is kind of amazing because it’s so bad when Philip K. Dick stories are usually so good. Then you find out how much they changed it all makes sense. Coles notes version of that story is that they changed basically everything except the ability to see into the future, which they also changed from being able to foresee the outcome to decisions.

So calling it “based on a Philip K. Dick story” makes as much sense as calling it “based on that book Snooki wrote”.

Next starts in Las Vegas where Nic –I’ll be referring to him as Nic for all of these, because they clearly take place in the same bizarro universe– is a shitty magician. But wait, it’s just an act, he’s a shitty magician to hide the fact that he can see 2 minutes into the future.

I’m not going to make a sex joke with that. Too easy.

At Nic’s show is gorgeous ginger government agent. She has figured out that he has some weird powers and is trying to figure it out. Nic goes from the show to a casino where they immediately think he’s counting cards. He figures out that they are coming for him, fucking tips them off by looking right at a camera, and leaves the table.

He’s able to escape because he’s in a casino and there’s tons of other people around to hide behind, and also the security team is full of idiots. He even steals some poor guy’s hat! Jackass! He gets to the cashier and has a vision of the most conveniently timed robbery in history (also, who robs a casino in vegas by taking a gun to the cashier? That makes no sense) stops it, has a standoff with casino security, and leaves.

Then he just walks out of the casino and steals a car to make his getaway. Note, to this point he’s technically done nothing illegal. Except stealing that hat. And hitting that guy. Anyway, he leaves and the police are there to chase him immediately. He makes zips in and out of traffic knowing what’s going to happen and then at the last second tries to get across some train tracks before a speeding train goes by but gets creamed by it instead AND THE MOVIE IS OVER YAY!!

Oh wait, that was a vision. Now we see literally exactly the same things happen except this time he beats the train. But he didn’t do anything different. He just made it this time. Ugh.

He drives the stolen car into his own fucking garage and then has a pretty forced conversation with Columbo, who is his father? Uncle? Manservant? It’s not really clear, but since Columbo is only in this one scene it doesn’t really matter. More on that later.

Gorgeous Ginger Government Agent shows up and they talk and then that turns out to be a vision too and he leaves before she shows up. The whole vision thing is getting really annoying.

He makes it to a diner where, at 8am he orders a martini and waits for 12 year old Jessica Biel. Apparently he’s had some vision that’s “way beyond the usual 2 minutes” about her.

Not turning that one into a sex joke either.

She walks in followed by her douchebag boyfriend. Nic goes through several iterations of trying to figure out how to make this underaged girl like him and it turns out the winning try is letting the boyfriend punch him in the face. I kind if wish the boyfriend would stick around to do that more, but he doesn’t. He leaves because of, you know, reasons.

So Nic and Baby Jessica make a connection and she offers him a ride (again, no sex joke) and they end up at a motel together where they totally have a moment and then have sex, which should be a joke since he looks like he’s about 50 and she looks 12, but isn’t. It happens. Mostly off screen thank dog.

In the morning Gorgeous Ginger Government Agent has a big plan to get Nic but he jumps off a cliff instead, and then does a dramatic turn to the left to avoid a sniper bullet, and then saves her life.

In return, she puts him in a chair in a windowless room with clamps holding his eyes open and networks news on TV. Cruel and unusual punishment, I think they call that. He sees ahead to the terrorists…

Oh yeah, there’s terrorists after him too, did I mention that? Not that it matters, they are even more inept than the government in this film. They have a nuke and they want to use it, Gorgeous Ginger Government Agent is trying to stop them and that’s why she’s been after him. This is actually a pretty big plot point, but it literally doesn’t matter, and I’ll tell you why in a moment.

So he fast forwards to the terrorists killing Young Jessica and he agrees to help without the clamps.

From this point it becomes pretty much “SWAT team taking directions from Nic” as he guides them in fighting the terrorists. They save the girl and go to the docks where there is a huge shoot out and then just when you think the day is safe Nic says “oh no I made mistake! I MADE A MISTAKE!” and the bomb goes off and everyone s killed and the movie ends.

Except then we’re back at the motel with him and Young Jessica in bed still. Remember how he lasts longer with her than with anyone else? Well he can see farther into the future with her too (ok, I had to do it once, sue me).

He walks outside and meetsGorgeous Ginger and they ride off to fight the terrorists and the movie actually ends.

Pretty much the only thing this movie has going for it is Jessica Biel (who is, as usual, gorgeous) and Julianne Moore (who can do basically no wrong) but even they are hampered by the utterly ridiculous script. Nic Cage is at his lazy best here, delivering lines with energy that ranges from “asleep” to “casually disinterested”.

Hell, I left out a major plot point and it didn’t matter because in the end the whole movie is a big feint anyway. They could literally have gone back to frame one and … well that would have been a little less annoying actually, just end the movie by starting from scratch. And what was the point of Columbo being there? He wasn’t in peril to give Nic motivation and they didn’t come back to him at the happy ending, he was just there because they needed a reason to delay Nic for a few minutes.

Pointless. Just like the rest of the movie.

Be sure to check back next week when the MWBM Nic-Cage-A-Thon continues. What am I watching? Well, don’t put your guesses in a time capsule, there’s a perfectly good comment form to use.

Rating: 2/10 (1 for Jessica Biel, 1 for Julianne Moore, 2 for Philip K. Dick, -2 for Nicholas Cage)

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to tell me about it in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

Matt Watches Bad Movies: Judge Dredd (1995)

Judge Dredd
Judge Dredd

While it’s true that nothing is for everyone, Hollywood has certainly recently figured out that if they make movies based on existing properties –particularly comics– there’s a lot of people who will come out to see their favourite hero on screen. This generally only really works if it’s done well because while we nerds will lead everyone else to the theatre, everyone else will only go if the movie is good.

Hollywood understands this now however in 1995 they clearly didn’t.

In some far flung future made entirely of spandex and the cheapest plastic you can imagine the world is destroyed except for one huge city which is located on the eastern seaboard of north america (presumably). It’s crazy over populated and everyone hates everyone because there are so many of everyone. The police force called themselves judges and they sentence and execute people on site instead of having a normal judicial system because violence solves everything in the future.

Judge Chocolate and Judge Redshirt show up to stop a gang war but end up cowering behind their massively oversized Honda Goldwings. After a few minutes Judge Hero shows up and walks right up to them through the middle of the battle zone, his oversized gold painted plastic eagle shoulder pads gleaming in the midday sun.

“Take cover!” they say.

“No need!” He replies, “I’m the protagonist and this is literally the first scene.” He then points at Judge Redshirt and continues “you’re probably not gonna make it though.”

They storm a building, Redshirt goes in first, Redshirt dies and everyone else grieves for about 0.5 seconds. Then Rob Schneider is there for some reason. Oh, wait, 1995. Riiiiight.

Meanwhile, Armande Assante breaks out of jail and makes it back to plastic city one where he finds his old costume, gun, and a massive fucking robot. Yup, everything is coming up Millhouse for the bad guy!

Our hero is then framed for murder and judge chocolate is his lawyer. Why he has a trial in a world where a cop can legally execute you on the spot for committing murder I have no idea.

They find him guilty and send him to jail with Rob Schneider, his punishment presumably to be in the same building as Rob Schneider making jokes for the rest of his life. Death was apparently too lenient, so much so that the Hero’s grandfather quits his job and requests that they don’t kill him. Then he walks out into the desert with only a gun and a stillsuit because he thought he was in Dune.

On the way to prison desert hillbillies crash the ship and everyone dies except for Judge Hero and Rob Schneider. I think that everyone else on the plane was related to Judge Redshirt. Bad week for the Redshirt family.

Turns out the hillbillies are cannibals so they start eating dead people but Judge Hero is able to kill them all pretty quick, except the terrible cyborg one. He has a dial on his head that does…. something. I’m not sure what since he’s clearly a bad guy. It makes him more bad? I guess? Anyway, Dial Head survives long enough to killJudge Hero’s Grandfather who has just inexplicably shown up.

Our Hero kills dial head and Granddad tells him that he’s a clone and so is the bad guy. Cloned from the same DNA but turned out polar opposites. Nature vs. Nurture, I guess?

Judge Hero makes it back to the city with Rob Schneider, they make it into the Judges HQ, steal some outfits and walk down the runway in them, then proceed to the big showdown with Armande Assante who is trying to clone himself to take over ze vorld. Yes, my brain always translates “take over ze vorld” into a terrible German accent for some reason.

They realize that they are brothers, Rob Schneider defeats the giant fucking robot, and in the end Judge Hero goes back to work immediately. Doesn’t even take a day off after confronting his arch nemesis brother, just hops on a bike, puts the shoulder pads back on an drives off into what would be a sunset if there weren’t in the middle of the giant plastic city.

This is the worst kind of comic book movie. This is Hollywood making a movie that looks like something people like, but changing nearly everything about it where it counts because they don’t actually understand why people like it.

Judge Dredd is a dark, weird comic and this is a light hearted 90s action movie. Judge Dredd never takes his helmet off, Sylveester Stallone never wears his. Judge Dredd wears body armour, in this movie the judges wear fucking spandex and massive, incredibly plalstic looking should pad things with a thin gold chain attached to their badge. I’m sure at the time Hollywood would have said “Judge Dredd is unfilmable, no one would watch it” but we got a movie that was much, much closer to the comics this past year and it was kind of great.

The only thing that’s even kind of cool here is the Robot, because they basically built a massive animatronic robot. These days they would just do it in CGI and maybe it would move a little more fluidly and maybe it would be easier but in the end when anyone had to interact with it they wouldn’t be looking at it when they did and it would look out of place.

All in all there’s no real reason to ever watch this movie, ever. It’s not even worth watching because it’s a train wreck. Yes, it’s funny to hear Sylvester belt out “I AM THE LAW!” but it gets old fast.

Plus, Rob Schneider. Just saying. Ugh.

Rating: 1/10 (for the giant robot)

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

Matt Watches Bad Movies: This Means War

This Means War
This Means War

This means war is marketed as a romantic comedy but it’s actually part of a different genre known as the “paycheque movie”. It’s three stars –two of whom can be amazing and one of whom is Captain Kirk– all took this, you can bet, not because of the amazing story but because they needed a pay day.

We start out in Hong Kong where we meet our heroes, Bane and Captain Kirk. We’re told that they are secret agents and that they are best friends and that they are great at their jobs. I say we’re told this because none of it is apparent except the secret agent thing, which is only apparent because we get a voice over from their boss. In fact, despite being good at their jobs they manage to make everyone at the crowded party they are attending aware of who they are and what they are doing despite being on a covert mission.

In the course of things it’s established that Bane is the believes-in-true-love-boring-one and Captain Kirk is the womanizing asshole. Which makes a certain amount of sense, really.

Back at the base we learn that they work for the Fake Central Intelligence Agency (FCIA). We learn this two ways: First, they’re in Los Angeles and not Langley, Second they have massive interactive displays and amazing computers and all manner of things that the real CIA probably can’t afford.

They’re both suspended for fucking things up in Hong Kong, and need a way to spend their time. Bane has a son and an ex who he doesn’t seem to know how relate to. A fact that Captain Kirks grandmother points out by calling him a screw up. What a bitch.

Bane then joins an online dating service using his real details (more proof he works for the FCIA and not the real one) and meets a girl played by Reese Witherspoon. Then Captain Kirk meets her. So now she’s dating both of them. And they’re both dating her. And they decide not to tell her they know each other. And they use the full resources of the FCIA to stalk her. And they bug her apartment. And this movie is a little bit creepy when you consider these facts.

Meanwhile Reese Witherspoon’s best friend is played by Chelsea Handler, a person whose fame is inexplicable to me, and is the annoying married sex crazed seeming miserable but actually loves her husband best friend who gives zany advice. She proceeds to give zany advice that isn’t funny.

Bane and Captain Kirk both take her on a series of dates, the only important one of which is when Captain Kirk takes her to meet his grandmother. She shows Reese Witherspoon pictures of Captain Kirks awkward teenage self. What a bitch.

More happens, there’s some more dates, the boys friendship is tested and since they’re best friends, or so we’re told, this is a big deal. The reason I say it that way is that they don’t act like they’re friends at all let alone best friends.

Then the bad guy shows up. Reese Witherspoon finds out they know each other and is all “I trusted you!” which is nice considering she’s been dating two people and not telling everyone involved.

Just saying, everyone involved is a bit of an asshole here.

Then there is a car chase, a bunch of shooting, Reese has to choose and she chooses Captain Kirk for, you know, reasons. Bane then gets back together with his ex for similar reasons.

Long story short there’s absolutely no reason to see this movie. If you’ve seen more than one romantic comedy before then you know everything that’s going to happen here, right down to what they are going to say probably. Add to that the fact that no one here has any chemistry with anyone else, most notably Bane and Captain Kirk who we’re repeatedly told are best friends for life but seem somehow really awkward around each other.

Plus, for some reason the world they live in doesn’t make any sense to me. Not just all the ridiculous fake CIA mega computer bullshit, but Reese Witherspoon’s office is so colourful it looks like it has been terribly photoshopped and the CIA doesn’t reprimand anyone when the two spies destroy a multi-million dollar drone that’s being used to spy on one of the dates.

During the car chase they shoot out the tires of the car Chelsea Handler is driving and it careens through a hedge into a pond and just when you think she’s going to die and the film will be less annoying the car floats on said pond. Fucking floats. The metal car. Floats.

This is all little stuff but it’s all stuff that takes me out of the movie. Then again maybe I’m just expecting too much from McG, who’s only notable directorial efforts in the past were the Charlie’s Angels movies (which no one noticed were kinda bad because of all the gorgeous on screen) and Terminator: Salvation (which may have ruined the franchise. Jury’s still out on that one). I get the feeling that maybe McG thinks I’m an idiot, which is just another reason to not watch his movies.

So predictable and boring and terribly directed and when I laughed it was inappropriate. Don’t see this. Just don’t.

Rating: 0/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

Matt Watches Bad Movies: Alex Cross


Tyler Perry is an interesting figure. He makes something like 3 movies a year, usually writes and directs and stars in them, and in the process makes a shit load of money. Despite this all this there are still people who don’t know who he is. Seriously, I was talking to a friend just last night about Alex Cross and they had no idea who Tyler Perry is. Even when I mentioned Madea, who I am pretty sure he plays in all his movies including this one.

Except in Alex Cross he plays Madea as a man. A huge man who looks like a teddy bear and is a psychologist cop.

Dr. Lt. Madea Teddybearington has partners, he has two for some reason, are Rachel Nichols and Sgt. Irish Stereotype played by Ed Burns. Rachel Nichols and Sgt. Irish are also sleeping together and Sgt. Irish thinks he might be in love. This will come up again in a bit.

The movie starts out with them catching a bad guy to establish that Dr. Lt. Madea is good at what he does but his partners are inept.

Then we meet the bad guy, Jack from Lost on Crack played by Jack from Lost. He joins an underground mixed martial arts fight and tells his opponent “don’t hit me in the face because I’m too pretty (he isn’t) and you’ll never fight again.”

Naturally he gets hit in the face and when he does he goes all crazy and immediately beats the shit out of the guy. I guess he was putting on a show or something. This is meant to establish that Jack from Lost on Crack is a crazy person but all it did for me is establish that Jack from Lost is a terrible actor.

Jack from Lost on Crack then goes home with a woman from the crowd and drugs her up and tortures her for information. If this had been R rated instead of PG-13 this would have been a much better scene. Also if the character was being played by anyone other than Jack from Lost.

Dr. Lt. Madea and company arrive on scene and everyone stops being useful so he can figure it out. They also find a drawing Jack did for, you know, reasons.

Back at the police station Dr. Lt. Madea tells everyone what he’s figured out and does so my staring into the middle distance out a window while everyone else looks on in lustful awe. Then he finds a clue in the drawing that Jack drew. Yes, Jack left a clue in the drawing because he can’t decide if he’s a psycho, a master planner or an idiot.

They go to find the vaguely European guy the clue indicates which they figured out during a part of the movie I fell asleep for. They get there and someone hands Dr. Lt. Madea a shotgun. So now there’s a 6’5″ teddy bear with a shotgun and a Jack from Lost on Crack attacks. Sgt. Irish Stereotype gets locked in the vaguely european panic room which apparently only opens from the outside. Let me just say that again, the panic room he claims can only be opened from the outside. I’m not going to comment on this further because you should know how ridiculous it is.

Anyway, they foil Jacks plan and save the day. BC, at the station Police Captain Dr. Cox from Scrubs congratulates them and at this point Sgt Irish literally asks “so this guy is a psycho, any chance he’ll come after us?” And Dr. Lt. Madea considers this for a moment and says “nah, it’ll be fine.”

At times like this I wonder if anyone in movies has ever seen a goddamned movie. Honestly.

So this is when Jack come after the team. He tortures and kills Rachel Nichols, then taunts Lt. Dr. Madea and kills Mrs. Dr. Lt. Madea. He then doesn’t kill Dr. Lt. Madea or Sgt. Irish, which he says is to inflict pain on them but actually just reads more like he wants to give them motivation to kill him in the third act because he had a pretty clean shot at killing everyone and is a professional killer and could have just saved himself a whole lot of trouble. Hell he could have just ended the movie if he’d killed everyone and finished his mission and, you know, won.

The rest of the film you’ve seen before. Jack turns out to be a pawn in a larger conspiracy orchestrated by an aging Jean Reno, Madea and Irish prepare to go rogue and hunt jack down, Madea’s elderly mother gives him a speech about retaining his soul, and then he goes rogue and hunts jack down.

I’d love to tell you this film has any redeeming features other than Rachel Nichols being her beautiful self or Ed Burns playing his usual Irish American self but I can’t because it doesn’t, and even what few it nearly has are hampered by an awful script.

Tyler Perry is an interesting guy and he made some interesting choices here and if this had been anything other than an action movie it could conceivably have been mediocre instead of terrible. He just looks wrong carrying a shotgun. He looks like he wants to give you a hug not shoot you in the face.

And then there’s Jack from Lost. He’s never been a particularly good actor but this is just… I don’t know what this is. His character bounces from being a serial killer to a (bad) master planner to a James Bond villain and everything in between, including a scene where he’s been shot but instead of sewing himself up he works out through the pain while having a tantrum like a 12 year old yelling at photos of Madea’s team of cops that stopped him. Seriously, you just can’t make this shit up.

I understand why this film was made: they wanted to cash in on Tyler Perry’s massive fan base. Too bad it turned out so shitty, but then again if you look at the list of films made by director Rob Cohen it’s not exactly surprising either.

The biggest problem here though is that it’s not even bad inn an enjoyable way, it’s just boring. I fell asleep watching it. I fell asleep writing about how I fell asleep watching it. I watched it less than 24 hours ago and there’s lots of plot details I simply can’t remember.

So all in all this is a terrible film made by terrible people, and you probably shouldn’t watch it. Shocking, I know.

Rating: 1/10.

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

Matt Watches Bad Movies: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians Poster
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians Poster

I have to wonder what they were thinking. It certainly wasn’t “man, we sure are making a great movie!” I wonder if it was maybe “I sure am going to get a big refund next year, what with all the write offs you can claim by making a movie!” or perhaps “I GOT HIGH AND HAD A NIGHTMARE THAT MARTIANS KIDNAPPED SANTA LET’S MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF IT!”

Given that this film was released in 1966 I kind of think it might be that last one actually.

There was definitely a golden age of bad films and this was made in that era. Complete with poorly applied makeup, ridiculously cheap looking sets, hairdryers for rayguns, forced laughter at stupid jokes and music that cuts randomly as camera angles change. On the upside, movies from that time have awesome posters. Just check out this one in high resolution. Look at the detail and the ridiculous taglines and the wonderful typography and… well, we’re not here to critique posters are we?

We start on Mars where the children are all autistic. They watch TV and don’t speak and seem able to calculate the number of matches on the floor in a matter of moments. They never laugh though, so the supreme and super serious leader of the planet is concerned. He takes some people with him to visit someone smarter than himself but in the end just ends up talking to a hobo who moonlights as an amateur magician. The magician tells them that the children aren’t children but they could be if only they’d give them hopes and dreams that the adults could eventually crush.

Since it’s Septober –yes, I shit you not, it’s Septober on Mars. I hear it’s lovely that time of year. Awfully mild– that means it’s December on Earth and they can kidnap Santa Claus. Except the moustachioed bad guy think that having kids with autism is awesome and doesn’t want to have any part of it. Naturally, he then joins the mission to kidnap Santa.

The martians fly to earth on a spaceship made of cardboard and fly over a city and all the mall santas confuse them. They land, uh, somewhere else and kidnap two children who tell them where to find Santa in the North Pole. Oh, did I mention the whole world knows that Santa is real in this> The movie starts with a live newscast from his workshop.

When they get there they send in the totally-not-a-guy-in-a-cardboard-box model Robot they keep on hand but Santa does something and suddenly it’s just a toy.

They still manage to grab Santa and run all the way home, and on the way Moustacheo tries to vent Santa AND the two kids out an airlock just to prove he’s the villain. Think about that for a second though, he tries to kill two kids. This is going to come up later.

Back on Mars Super Serious Leader introduces his kids to the earth kids. Then Santa enters the room and starts laughing. Not just his usual “ho ho ho”, more of a “creepy old pedophile locked in a room with two kids” kind of creepy as hell laugh. Seriously.

Santa Builds a toy shop and he and the kids “work” there. Moustacheo sabotages the workings of the machinery by opening a panel that’s clearly not a bit of wood with wires sticking out of it at all and waves a wrench in it’s vicinity.

And now I have to tell you about the character I’ve been avoiding talking about. Dumbo, the laziest stupidest man on Mars or any other planet. A character who earlier in the film claims to have forgotten how to sleep and is constantly doing stupid shit for no reason. A character who in any kind of sane universe wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near important things, let alone kind of in charge of them.

Anyway, he’s taken a shining to Santa, dresses up like him and Moustacheo takes him hostage by accident. How Moustacheo mistook a guy he already knows with green skin and a ridiculous head mounted computer (totally not made from a bike helmet, by the way) for a white guy from Earth is never explained.

When he figures out he’s been duped he goes for the real Santa but the kids fend him off with toys. No, you read that right, the kids set toys on Moustacheo while Santa sits there and laughs his creepy laugh. These aren’t even toys that would hurt. One of them seems to be a Nerf Gun even, but our villain is completely overwhelmed and is holding a raygun AND had already earlier nearly succeeded in killing two of the four kids.

Super Serious Leader shows up and saves the day and when Santa sees Dumbo dressed up in the red suit he says “oh, you’ve already got a Santa so I can go home now.” To which his kidnappers say “yeah, cool bro” and send him home and the credits roll.

So, dumb plot with no real resolution and did you notice that Santa Claus doesn’t actually conquer anyone? I was hoping from the title that Santa would ride in on his sleigh and slay some Martians (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) but no such luck. Just the worst Christmas move I’ve ever seen.

It kid of has to be seen to be believed but I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s campy enough that I’ll give it a bonus star but in addition to being a bad movie it’s also just not very good. I fell asleep the first time I watched it and I don’t generally fall asleep during movies. While I’m also writing. During the day. After two cups of tea. It does have an awesome poster though.

So maybe do check it out if you have insomnia.

Rating: 1/10 (for camp value)

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 Poster
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 Poster

I’ve been staring at a blinking cursor for a few days now, stupefied. Every time I start to write I just don’t know what to say because as it turns out I actually liked parts of this movie. No foolin’. So before I start ripping it to shreds, because I said I liked parts of the movie and not the movie I am going to say this: If you want to have a decent time at the movies pointing and laughing at something, you could certainly do worse than Breaking Dawn Part 2 and if you can sit through the whole thing you’ll be rewarded with one of the best action set pieces I’ve seen all year.

So with that in mind if you want to go in spoiler free then you should stop reading right now, go watch it and then come back.

I’ll wait here.

Last chance.

Ok good. Let’s get started then.

Apologies if I created the impression that Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 is a good movie, it most certainly is not a good movie but what it is is a movie that, at least in part, is so bad that it’s good. Or at least has some fun bits.


This one starts out where the last one left off. Sad Girl has just woken up from being dead and is now Sad Vampire. Except she’s not sad anymore. And Sparkly Vampire is happy she’s a vampire and conveys this by staring sullenly.

Not Sad Vampire girl is told she needs to go eat, so she runs out into the woods to find something to kill. This part of the movie is, with out a doubt, one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. I hope to god it plays well in the book but in the movie? Not so much. But it does at least establish that she can run fast, hit hard, and smell things from miles off. Such as when she smells a climber from 10 miles away and runs after him by clawing her way up a mountain side. Yeah, literally, it’s fucking ridiculous. Sparkly Vampire shows up to stop her but her Vampire Super Power is self control, so that works out well for the hiker. I would have preferred to see her eat someone, but that’s just me.

She heads back to the deer, then a cougar is there, and she kills the cougar instead of the deer and it’s exactly as terrible as it looks like it is in the trailer.

When she gets home she finds out that Buffy the Werewolf totally isn’t in love with the baby and proceeds to beat him up. Which is kind of hilarious. Not that there are other werewolves in this scene but it’s apparently too much money to pay real people to appear so instead we get CGI werewolves that I can’t tell apart. In fact, I can’t remember any of the other werewolves having any dialogue in the whole film that isn’t barking or growling. I wonder how much money they saved.

Then Maggie Grace reports Not Sad Vampire, Sparkly Vampire and the whole family to the Vampire Police for making a vampire baby because, you know, reasons. We met her for about 30 seconds (not an exaggeration) in the last film and she said something about a bad guy character from the second movie but in this movie we don’t have any real context about why she’d rat them out (and for the wrong thing, too). Wait a minute, this is Twilight, nothing has made sense so far so why the fuck am I surprised?

So now the bad guys are coming again. VPD chief Michael Sheen is bringing the entire department to kill everyone. And there’s fighting in the trailer so this could be good. Except now we come to the requisite hour or more of absolutely nothing fucking happening. They say “ok, we need to get all our friends togehter to testify at the trial that may or may not be happening and also to fight the police because in the words of Ice Cube_fuck tha police_. They all go their separate ways and then nothing. Again.

I could rag on Stephanie Meyer for a lot of reasons but honestly, none of these moveis have a second act. You could literally cut this whole bit out and it would all make the same amount of sense.

Once the team is assembled assembled we get a brief “here’s how to use your powers” sequence because vampires get superpowers in this story (more on that shortly). There’s a girl with electricity powers, there’s a mind reader, there’s a girl who can project thoughts into your head, and a guy who can “manipulate the elements”. Not Sad Vampire Girl, as it turns out, has all of the Invisible Woman’s superpowers except the turning invisible bit. For those of you in the crowd who aren’t comic book that means force fields.

All this time Buffy the Werewolf is hanging around because he totally isn’t in love with the baby. No, really, he’s imprinted and devoted to her and her needs and wants and desires but it’s totally not a romantic thing. Seriously. It’s not.

Here’s where this film gets interesting. The good guys line up on one side of a frozen field and the bad guys on the other. There’s a lot of posturing and talking and Not Sad Girl uses her force fields and then HOLY SHIT THE HEADS ARE FLYING.

Sparkly Dad runs at the bad guys and gets his head ripped off. This starts one of he most entertaining battle sequences I’ve seen on film all year. It’s ten solid minutes of nearly indestructible people with super powers beating up on one another and ripping each others heads off (because that’s the only way to kill a vampire in this world). People are leaping, getting zapped with electricity and suffocated in killer fog, there’s kung fu fighting and all out brawling and then the guy who manipulates the elements PUNCHES THE GROUND SO HARD IT OPENS UP A CHASM FULL OF LAVA. TOTALLY NOT KIDDING. People fall in, get tossed in and die in the lava. One of the wolves I’m totally supposed to be on a first name basis with by now dies in what the 13 year old girls in the crowd later told me was the saddest shot in the movie. Still didn’t know who it was, but sure, it was an effective shot.

Not as effective though as my favourite shot in the movie where, when Future Telling Sister Vampire grabs Dakota Fanning by the back of the neck and FEEDS HER HEAD FIRST TO A WEREWOLF.

You also have to remember during this entire sequence nothing is held back. Good guys and bad guys alike are dying left right and center. I’m completely not kidding when I say it’s an epic fight with lots of consequences. Or at least I wouldn’t be if it were any other movie, because turns out the battle didn’t actually happen. Yeah, that’s right, it’s just a mental projection by Future Telling Sister Vampire to scare off the VPD.

Everyone is still fine standing in the background and the chasm full of lava was just a cruel dream. Then a new character we’ve never met before, ever, or even really heard of shows up and says “the baby is like me, half and half” and the VPD says “oh really? we’re cool then. bye guys, thanks for coming out” and everyone gets a happy ending.

Yeah, Deus Ex Machina and a happy ending for all. No consequences for anyone, just exactly the happiest of endings for everyone without any real work to get there. Fuck you Stephanie Meyer.

The only other thing about this movie I liked was that Sad Girl became Not Sad Vampire and finally became somewhat of a real character. I know this is meant to fulfil the “born to be a vampire” bit of her arc, but it’s nice she’s not so much of a blank slate and finally a character that it makes sense people would want to fight over / have sex with. Speaking of which, they all say how much better she looks dead but I think that’s just because she starts wearing makeup and dressing better.

Other than that this is a lot of the same old shit, right down to having some otherwise great actors (like Lee Pace and Joe Anderson) horribly miscast and a middle act with nothing happening.

The films all seem to have a bad case of Harry Potter Syndrome where the story has been adapted but only the basic parts of it, none of whatever nuance the books may have and as a result I had no idea who any of the supporting characters were in any of them.

This one also has a mild case of Lord of the Rings-itis too in that it has a number of endings including the Deus Ex Machina mentioned above, and also including one where Buffy the Werewolf asks Sparkly Vampire “should I start calling you dad?” and you realize “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY HE REALLY DID FALL IN LOVE WITH A BABY! IT’S NOT PLATONIC LIKE THEY SAID, IT’S ROMANTIC AND SHE’S LITERALLY A BABY. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK STEPHANIE MEYER!”

And when it ends there’s sweeping Lord of the Rings style credits where we get images of everyone who starred in them, including all the minor characters I couldn’t keep track of as well as Deus Ex Machine himself who was on screen for less than 2 minutes total.

I did have a good time watching this movie, but it was mostly due to a combination of how easy it was to literally point and laugh and also Stockholm Syndrome. I’m pretty sure anyway.

Just remember, no matter what anyone else says in any of the movies, THE WEREWOLF FELL IN ROMANTIC LOVE WITH A BABY. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK.

Rating: 4/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt1 Poster
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt1 Poster

Christ on the motherfucking cross. I have been having trouble each time I go to start these reviews of Twilight because so little happens in each one. Honestly, it’s hard to write about nothing. I don’t know how Stephanie Meyer does it because while I have a hard time writing about nothing it must be even harder to actually just write nothing.

That’s what these films are so far, in case you haven’t put this together from my previous twilight reviews. Something happens, and then a shit load of people looking sad, talking about looking sad, and laying around, and staring at one another. It’s been kind of infuriating, and I still have one more movie to go because they made two movies out of the last book! There’s so much nothing they couldn’t cram it all into one 2 hour movie!

So Sad Girl and Sparkly are finally married. They go away to the island that Sparkly’s mom owns for their honeymoon. Wait, what? Ok, wait, I know that the Sparkle Family is old and all but how much money do they have anyway? Is this ever made clear? It makes sense they’d have enough to fly around the world at the drop of a hat, but enough for Sparkle Dad to give his wife a fucking Brazilian island? Oh, wait, Stephanie Meyer is a lazy writer. Nevermind.

Anyway, they go away and they’re married. So maybe instead of just laying around in meadows and starting at each other maybe Sad Girl and Sparkly can finally have some sex and then maybe they can smile. For once. Instead of standing around with their mouths half open worrying about whether the last 30 seconds were the best or second best thirty seconds of their lives.

Turns out it doesn’t work though. Good sweet jesus these people can’t even have sex without moping about for ages. Except this time it’s mostly Sparkly being all “omg i gave you a bruise” and to her credit, Sad Girl being all “FUCK YEAH BRUISES I LIKE IT! WHY AREN’T YOU PLOUGHING ME LIKE A BEAN FIELD??”

Although I don’t understand why when he says “I don’t want to hurt you” she doesn’t say “then let me be on top for once you selfish prick.” And then when she finally does it fades to black and I remembered I was watching a kids movie. Le sigh.

And then because there hasn’t been any drama for the last while it turns out that Sparkly has put his demon spawn in her belly. Which isn’t even hyperbole, he’s literally a demon and his spawn is in her belly and everyone starts moping again.

As an aside I have a question for Stephanie Meyer: In her world vampires don’t have blood. You can rip their heads off, slice, them dice them, make julienne fries out of them, nothing. No blood. But somehow they have all the other bodily fluids. How does that make any sense whatsoever?

Aaaaaaaanyway. They go back to Drearytown and don’t tell anyone, but then the Gay Wolf Club find out and get their cutoffs in a bunch, and then there’s well over an hour of brooding while nothing happens.

Sad Girl stays pregnant for a while, the Demon Spawn apparently is eating her from the inside out and the Gay Wolf Club gets really upset. because if a vampire hurts a human that’s, like, bad and they blame Sparkly. For, you know, reasons.

Then the baby is born and Sad girl “dies” on the table and Buffy the Werewolf blames Demon Spawn and decides to kill Demon Spawn. What the hell is it with Stephanie Meyer and killing kids? So Buffy goes to do that but when he sees the Demon Spawn, the newborn baby, he fucking falls in love with it.

Let me repeat that. Buffy the Werewolf falls in love with a baby. There’s a brief fight outside between the Gay Wolf Club and Sparkly Family but then they find out Buffy fell in love and they’re all “oh, really? right, we’re cool then bro.” and leave. Then Sad Girl wakes up with red eyes, which means she’s a vampire.

And that’s it.

Now, I know that this movie is really just an adaptation of the first two thirds of the last book so finding an ending in there was probably pretty hard, but it’s like Stephanie Meyer doesn’t ever want to take an real risks. This is something I’ve noticed in all four of the movies so far is that there’s a shit load of build up to each of the films climaxes but then nothing happens. No one is ever hurt or killed or anything. At worst, in the second film, everyone got a stern reprimand from the Vampire Police. Heaven forbid her characters even have to learn something or grow.

It’s bad enough that the overreaching message of this “saga” is that what not having any self esteem or personality and latching onto the nearest person who will treat you with any regard whatsoever –even if it’s just as a pet, which is how Sparkly treats Sad Girl– is the same thing as falling in love, it’s also pretending that this lazy ass excuse for a story is good writing, good drama. I think if when I am one day a parent my kid picks up these books? I am going to make it a rule that they read Shakespeare or Tolkien Steinbeck or Fitzgerald in between the books just so they understand how bad their choice actually was.

The one thing that this movie gives me some slight hope for is the last movie. Since it’s just an adaptation of the last act of the last book it’s basically all going to be ending. It’s a slight hope, given this series history with shitty endings, but there is one other thing to consider:

I’ll finally be done watching this fucking dreck and move onto watching something else terrible..

Rating: 1/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: Eclipse

Twilight: Eclipse Poster
Twilight: Eclipse Poster

I almost want to say that in watching these movies I’m becoming more interested in seeing what happens next. I thought about this for a few minutes last night after watching Eclipse and I came to the conclusion that I don’t so much want to see what happens next as I do want to see something, fucking anything happen in these movies. I’ve got two more to go after this one and it’d be nice if at least one of the five movies has anything of consequence to the characters actually happening.

That being said, as compared to New Moon Eclipse is a fucking masterpiece of character development. Sort of. If you don’t count that said development has also already happened in the last five minutes of the last movie. Seriously, at the end of the last movie Sad Girl tells Buffy the Werewolf that she’ll always choose the Sparkly Vampire –something that she repeats at the start of this film– and then she spends most of this film choosing between Buffy and Sparkly.

I knew the love triangle seemed forced but I was chalking that up to bad acting more than anything because nothing else happens in these movies. I’m three films in now and nothing of consequence has really happened to anyone except that the Clingy Sad Girl was adopted as a pet by the Sparkly Vampire. I think so that he can live vicariously through her. Pun completely intended.

So this time around the bad guy is the Sparkly Ginger from the first movie. She showed up for about 30 seconds in the last one so we’d know she’s still around, but now she’s the big bad. Or so they tell me, because she only has about 30 seconds of screen time. She spends most of the movie not in the movie and there’s an entirely new guy she creates and apparently controls.

The reason for this is that it turns out that Future Telling Sparkly Baby Sister can’t actually see the future, she can see the outcomes from peoples decisions, and that she’s focussing on Gingers decisions so Ginger makes someone new to make decisions for her. First let me say that when you think about it this makes a kind of sense which is good because something in these films fucking has to. Thing is, that’s not how it’s really been portrayed so far, so it doesn’t make sense.

Anyway, Ginger hates Sparkly because Sparkly killed her boyfriend and now Ginger wants to kill Sparkly’s pet for revenge but she can’t do it on her own so she makes a few vampires and marches on forest town to kill people. While all these new vampires are being created the Vampire PD show up and do nothing but watch despite that one of the only laws VPD is meant to enforce is “don’t be an obnoxious twat and make a big mess” and these new vampires are obnoxious twats making a big mess.

There’s also a kid vampire who gets a bunch of screen time because later in the film they need a way to prove that VPD are the bad guys and the easiest way to do that? Have them kill the kid! No, seriously, the bag guys kill a kid. Slightly messed up.

And this happens right after the big final fight. Now, I will say that the big fight has a few cool moments. Watching Future Telling Baby Sister and her apparently civil war soldier boyfriend beat their way through some random bad guys is all right, and wolves eat vampires which is alright, and Sparkly kills ginger, which is alright.

Oh, yeah, Buffy the Werewolf and Sparkly decide to work together because Sparkly is outnumbered and Buffy likes killing vampires. And Sad Girl’s in danger, and he wants to protect her because he loves her for, you know, reasons.

But here’s the main reason why the big fight sucks. Future Telling Sister saw it coming in the first act. Every minor character spends the rest of the movie training and learning to work together with the Gay Wolf Club while Sad Girl, Buffy and Sparkly mope about how much Sad Girl loves Sparkly. And then it’s over in like 2 minutes flat, no one on the good guys side is hurt except for Buffy, after the fight, and then VPD shows up to say “by the way we’re still actually the bad guys even though we’ve done nothing in this movie. Look, we’ll kill a kid just to prove it.”

Speaking of the Gay Wolf Club, do they have jean shorts hidden everywhere in the state? Because every time they shape shift their clothes rip off, but every time they shift back and come around a corner as a person again they are wearing jean cutoffs. That’s weird, right? I can’t be the only one to have noticed this.

A lot of people I know feel like they are milking the shit out of Twilight by splitting the fourth book into two parts but you know what? I disagree. If Stephanie Meyer wrote things happening in that book it’s probably best we see them all. No, if they are milking Twilight it’s by not looking at New Moon and Eclipse and thinking “shit nothing happens here, maybe we should condense them into one movie.”

Granted, I don’t think that would have made a better movie but at least it would have been one less to sit through.

Rating: 1/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: New Moon

Twilight: New Moon

Masochism. That’s the only thing I can think of. The only reason I can fathom that made me decide to start out this series of articles by watching the Twlight “saga”.

I put saga in quotes because put simply Twilight isn’t dramatic enough to be a saga. Honestly, in most sagas things actually happen. So far very little has happened in these stories.

New Moon starts out pretty much right where Twilight left off. Sad Depressed Girl and Sparkly Vampire are now an item. Madly in something that they tell each other is love but is actually Sad Depressed Girl latching on to Sparkly Vampire for something to define herself with because she doesn’t have any self worth or a personality of her own, and Sparkly Vampire Keeping a pet around to remind himself of what it used to be like to have a pulse. Not so much love as codependence. Which, I suppose, is at least something for each of them.

Interestingly, Sad Depressed girl has some skin tone now. She didn’t get a tan in the fucking desert, but she doesn’t look quite so dead anymore. Unless you count her eyes which manage to convey roughly nothing for the duration of the film.

It’s Sad Depressed Girls birthday and she’s freaking out because she’s 18, which makes her older than her 100 year old boyfriend. I don’t really get why this isn’t a red flag for Sparkly Vampire. Why isn’t he looking at this girl and thinking to himself “holy shit this one’s a bit nuts.”? Usually the ones who want everything to remain perfect like the first time they met turn out to be serial killers or people who talk at the cinema or someone else destined for a special place in hell.

Anyway, everyone gives her gifts even though she doesn’t want them. She’s at Sparkly Vampires family’s house and gets a paper cut and everyone except for Sparkly Dad goes fucking apeshit. One of them tries to eat her, fucking finally, but everyone else holds him back.

With this turn of events Sparkly Vampire decides that he can’t protect Sad Depressed Girl, breaks up with her, and leaves town. Thus concludes the first five minutes of the movie =, and anything else that can reasonably be called “interesting stuff happening”.

No, seriously, the next hour and forty five minutes are basically all Sad Depressed Girl being even more sad and depressed than usual. She sits in a chair for months, then one day figures out she will hallucinate about Sparkly Vampire if she doesn’t do stupid shit, and starts doing stupid shit to have more hallucinations. It’s a good thing she keeps this to herself too because she’d probably be committed to a psych ward if she told anyone.

So months pass and despite presumably still going to school she manages to not talk to any of her other friends except Buffy the Werewolf, who doesn’t go to her school. How? When I was in high school we had to be there all day! Then again in the last movie classes were only 5 minutes long so maybe she has more free time and less contact with other students than I did when I was in high school.

Anyway, she constantly hangs out with Buffy the Werewolf and he falls truly madly deeply in love with her for, you know, reasons. I’d tell you what those reasons are, but that would require the movie telling me what they are. Which it doesn’t. In fact, it’s not really clear why anyone does anything in these films.

She doesn’t want that, I guess because she longs for the cold dead touch of one monster rather than the warm fuzzy touch of a werewolf. Or maybe she just doesn’t like wet dog smell.

Eventually Sad Depressed Girl jumps off a goddamned cliff so she can have a hallucination, she’s saved by Buffy, and then Baby Sister Good Vampire shows up because she can tell the future, or something, and thinks Sad Depressed Girl is dead. Which makes no sense, because later in the film she can basically see everything that Sparkly Vampire is doing as he does it, but she misses the bit where the werewolf saves someone she “already thinks of as a sister’.

You know, I’ll admit it’s kind of a cool idea to give the vampires their own superpowers to go with their endless thirst for blood, but so far it seems like none of the ones we know about consistently work. Or at least, only work when is convenient to the plot.

Oh, right. I almost forgot how fucking lazy this story is.

Anyway, now Sparkly Vampire thinks his pet is dead and decides to kill himself which he can apparently only do by committing suicide by cop. The Vampire Police Department live in Italy and are run by Police Chief Michael Sheen, which is a good thing because he plays creepy and weird so well.

Sad Depressed Girl stops Sparkly Vampire, they all go to Vampire Police HQ and they say “Sad Girl must die because she knows about Vampires.” And then Future Telling Sparkly Baby Sister says “no it’s all good she’ll be a vampire one day, maybe” and with that the Vampire Police say “oh, ok, we’re cool then. See you later, we have some tourists to eat.” And that’s it. For being a group so old and powerful and dangerous they don’t really seem to be any of those things.

We get one more stand off between Buffy and Sparkly and then Sparkly says “Marry Me” and it cuts to black.

Now, given how many words I’ve written it might seem like a lot has happened in this movie but it really hasn’t. It’s over two hours long and I’ve given you a pretty detailed summary of the first five minutes, the last ten minutes, and just a smattering of things in between. For around an hour and forty minutes nothing happens other than a sad girl being depressed because her undead boyfriend isn’t around to define her self worth.

And this is probably my biggest problem with the movies so far. The main character isn’t a character, she’s a blank slate. She has no personality of her own. She doesn’t even have the balls to move on with her life after Sparkly breaks up with her. She doesn’t even try. And then, after he’s treated her like shit, she still flies around the world (without even telling her father or anyone) to save his life. What the fuck people! She’s decided she wants to be a vampire in this movie too, she literally decides to give up her fucking life, and when she does she doesn’t get to do it on her own, she has the rest of the vampires vote on it for her!

When I watched Twilight I made more fun of it than I did this time because while that movie was ridiculous but it was easier to get past. This movie has just made me angry. Angry because this “saga” isn’t a story of love, it’s a story of co-dependance, of a broken person who makes no effort to have a life of her own and a dead guy, and the message they are putting forth to all the young girls watching is “you’re not good enough on your own”, and that’s fucking terrible.

Rating: 0/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight

Twilight Poster

I’d like to start out by saying that I fully understand that this movie was not aimed at me, and that it is aimed at young girls. I fully get that this is the kind of thing that that audience goes for, just when their proto-emotions are kicking in and they’re starting to have crushes and think boys (or other girls, since it’s 2012) are dreamy and whatnot that this story is exactly how they think they feel.

That’s still no excuse for it being such a shitty movie.

I honestly don’t even know where to start. You all know the plot by now, assuming you’ve been within 100 feet of a teenaged girl within the last 5 years you must do. Sad depressed girl moves from the desert to the Pacific Northwest because of a skin condition she has that prevents her from getting a tan despite living in the desert. Sad depressed girl meets a sparkly vampire. Sad depressed girl decides she’ll give up everything for the sparkly vampire, up to and including her mortal life.

And another vampire wants to eat her, and a really lame fight happens. That’s pretty much all you need to know. It’s certainly all I remember. No, seriously, I literally just watched this movie and that’s about all I can remember other than “Hey, is that Anna Kendrick?” which wasn’t so much in the movie as it was something I said when I saw Anna Kendrick in the movie.

Not only is this a terrible story because it’s a terrible story, it’s a terrible story because kids have seen this movie and probably hope to feel what Sad depressed girl feels for Edward. A feeling that’s not so much reciprocated as Sparkly Vampire spends most of his time brooding about how much he wants to eat her. This is a terrible thing because Sad depressed girl clearly has some self confidence and emotional issues she’s not dealing with.

Let’s get this straight, this movie didn’t convince me that Sad depressed girl was in love with Sparkly Vampire, it convinced me that Sad depressed girl doesn’t value herself. She doesn’t even drive her own (admittedly awesome) old truck when he’s around! What the hell is going on!?

Or wait, maybe that’s just Kristen Stewart trying to act. She has the emotional range of a plank of wood. I’m pretty sure the only emotions she managed to convey were “holy shit a vampire” and “meh” and one of those isn’t even an emotion. Which I suppose must take some skill, actually.

I don’t know what’s up with Robert Pattinson in this film either. I know he can act, I’ve seen him do it in other movies. He isn’t always great, but at least he takes chances and can, you know, emote. In this there’s very little of that (except in comparison to Kristin Stewart), there’s just a lot of what I think is meant to be restraint. That’s what he keeps telling me it is, because Sad depressed girl is so tasty smelling he has to hold himself back like all the time. Except in the second and third act where they become really close and start going steady and spending all their time together, then it’s totally fine. He even smiles once or twice.

Also there’s a lot of little stuff in this movie that doesn’t make sense. Case in point, the first time Sad depressed girl gets near Sparkly Vampire is in biology class. She shows up, is welcomed by the teacher, handed books and lab gear, sits down, shares an awkward moment with Sparkly Vampire, and then the bell rings. What I’m left wondering is if she showed up for class an hour late or if funding for public education in Washington State is so bad that classes only last 3-5 minutes?

Also also, this is the weirdest version of vampires I think I’ve ever seen. They’re all daywalkers, they don’t have fangs, they sparkle in the sunlight, it doesn’t seem like anything short of having their head ripped off will actually hurt them, and they each get a superpower in addition to all the running, jumping and climbing trees they can do. Sparkly Vampire can read minds. Baby Sister Sparkly Vampire can tell the future. No wonder Sad Depressed Girl wants to be turned at the end, what if her power is something awesome like flight or mind control or losing control and turning into a giant green monster that can at least articulate one emotion?

So in conclusion, it’s poorly written and poorly acted. But wait, there’s more! It’s poorly shot and directed too! It’s crazy melodramatic already, but everything is shot to be as slick as possible in that way where the crew doesn’t seem to understand what slick is. When the bad vampires show up in their first scene they walk out of the mist but they are shot to look like they are floating. Or skating? It’s not really clear. It also looks like a shot out of a low budget TV movie, and the film is rife with crap like this. Low shots, high shots, lots of crazy jump cuts. It’s hard enough to watch because of the story and acting, why’d they have to go and make it visually frustrating as well?

Lastly, and this is more of a personal note, but Washington State is just down the street from where I live and you know what? Contrary to popular belief it isn’t overcast and rainy 100% of the time like it is in this movie. I mean, it rains a lot, but it’s not all the time. Hell, we had a sunny day just last week!

So, in closing, Twilight is a fucking awful movie and you really shouldn’t watch it. Or let anyone you know watch it. Or even talk about it ever again.

Rating: 1/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81