Matt Watches Bad Movies: Alex Cross


Tyler Perry is an interesting figure. He makes something like 3 movies a year, usually writes and directs and stars in them, and in the process makes a shit load of money. Despite this all this there are still people who don’t know who he is. Seriously, I was talking to a friend just last night about Alex Cross and they had no idea who Tyler Perry is. Even when I mentioned Madea, who I am pretty sure he plays in all his movies including this one.

Except in Alex Cross he plays Madea as a man. A huge man who looks like a teddy bear and is a psychologist cop.

Dr. Lt. Madea Teddybearington has partners, he has two for some reason, are Rachel Nichols and Sgt. Irish Stereotype played by Ed Burns. Rachel Nichols and Sgt. Irish are also sleeping together and Sgt. Irish thinks he might be in love. This will come up again in a bit.

The movie starts out with them catching a bad guy to establish that Dr. Lt. Madea is good at what he does but his partners are inept.

Then we meet the bad guy, Jack from Lost on Crack played by Jack from Lost. He joins an underground mixed martial arts fight and tells his opponent “don’t hit me in the face because I’m too pretty (he isn’t) and you’ll never fight again.”

Naturally he gets hit in the face and when he does he goes all crazy and immediately beats the shit out of the guy. I guess he was putting on a show or something. This is meant to establish that Jack from Lost on Crack is a crazy person but all it did for me is establish that Jack from Lost is a terrible actor.

Jack from Lost on Crack then goes home with a woman from the crowd and drugs her up and tortures her for information. If this had been R rated instead of PG-13 this would have been a much better scene. Also if the character was being played by anyone other than Jack from Lost.

Dr. Lt. Madea and company arrive on scene and everyone stops being useful so he can figure it out. They also find a drawing Jack did for, you know, reasons.

Back at the police station Dr. Lt. Madea tells everyone what he’s figured out and does so my staring into the middle distance out a window while everyone else looks on in lustful awe. Then he finds a clue in the drawing that Jack drew. Yes, Jack left a clue in the drawing because he can’t decide if he’s a psycho, a master planner or an idiot.

They go to find the vaguely European guy the clue indicates which they figured out during a part of the movie I fell asleep for. They get there and someone hands Dr. Lt. Madea a shotgun. So now there’s a 6’5″ teddy bear with a shotgun and a Jack from Lost on Crack attacks. Sgt. Irish Stereotype gets locked in the vaguely european panic room which apparently only opens from the outside. Let me just say that again, the panic room he claims can only be opened from the outside. I’m not going to comment on this further because you should know how ridiculous it is.

Anyway, they foil Jacks plan and save the day. BC, at the station Police Captain Dr. Cox from Scrubs congratulates them and at this point Sgt Irish literally asks “so this guy is a psycho, any chance he’ll come after us?” And Dr. Lt. Madea considers this for a moment and says “nah, it’ll be fine.”

At times like this I wonder if anyone in movies has ever seen a goddamned movie. Honestly.

So this is when Jack come after the team. He tortures and kills Rachel Nichols, then taunts Lt. Dr. Madea and kills Mrs. Dr. Lt. Madea. He then doesn’t kill Dr. Lt. Madea or Sgt. Irish, which he says is to inflict pain on them but actually just reads more like he wants to give them motivation to kill him in the third act because he had a pretty clean shot at killing everyone and is a professional killer and could have just saved himself a whole lot of trouble. Hell he could have just ended the movie if he’d killed everyone and finished his mission and, you know, won.

The rest of the film you’ve seen before. Jack turns out to be a pawn in a larger conspiracy orchestrated by an aging Jean Reno, Madea and Irish prepare to go rogue and hunt jack down, Madea’s elderly mother gives him a speech about retaining his soul, and then he goes rogue and hunts jack down.

I’d love to tell you this film has any redeeming features other than Rachel Nichols being her beautiful self or Ed Burns playing his usual Irish American self but I can’t because it doesn’t, and even what few it nearly has are hampered by an awful script.

Tyler Perry is an interesting guy and he made some interesting choices here and if this had been anything other than an action movie it could conceivably have been mediocre instead of terrible. He just looks wrong carrying a shotgun. He looks like he wants to give you a hug not shoot you in the face.

And then there’s Jack from Lost. He’s never been a particularly good actor but this is just… I don’t know what this is. His character bounces from being a serial killer to a (bad) master planner to a James Bond villain and everything in between, including a scene where he’s been shot but instead of sewing himself up he works out through the pain while having a tantrum like a 12 year old yelling at photos of Madea’s team of cops that stopped him. Seriously, you just can’t make this shit up.

I understand why this film was made: they wanted to cash in on Tyler Perry’s massive fan base. Too bad it turned out so shitty, but then again if you look at the list of films made by director Rob Cohen it’s not exactly surprising either.

The biggest problem here though is that it’s not even bad inn an enjoyable way, it’s just boring. I fell asleep watching it. I fell asleep writing about how I fell asleep watching it. I watched it less than 24 hours ago and there’s lots of plot details I simply can’t remember.

So all in all this is a terrible film made by terrible people, and you probably shouldn’t watch it. Shocking, I know.

Rating: 1/10.

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81