Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight

Twilight Poster

I’d like to start out by saying that I fully understand that this movie was not aimed at me, and that it is aimed at young girls. I fully get that this is the kind of thing that that audience goes for, just when their proto-emotions are kicking in and they’re starting to have crushes and think boys (or other girls, since it’s 2012) are dreamy and whatnot that this story is exactly how they think they feel.

That’s still no excuse for it being such a shitty movie.

I honestly don’t even know where to start. You all know the plot by now, assuming you’ve been within 100 feet of a teenaged girl within the last 5 years you must do. Sad depressed girl moves from the desert to the Pacific Northwest because of a skin condition she has that prevents her from getting a tan despite living in the desert. Sad depressed girl meets a sparkly vampire. Sad depressed girl decides she’ll give up everything for the sparkly vampire, up to and including her mortal life.

And another vampire wants to eat her, and a really lame fight happens. That’s pretty much all you need to know. It’s certainly all I remember. No, seriously, I literally just watched this movie and that’s about all I can remember other than “Hey, is that Anna Kendrick?” which wasn’t so much in the movie as it was something I said when I saw Anna Kendrick in the movie.

Not only is this a terrible story because it’s a terrible story, it’s a terrible story because kids have seen this movie and probably hope to feel what Sad depressed girl feels for Edward. A feeling that’s not so much reciprocated as Sparkly Vampire spends most of his time brooding about how much he wants to eat her. This is a terrible thing because Sad depressed girl clearly has some self confidence and emotional issues she’s not dealing with.

Let’s get this straight, this movie didn’t convince me that Sad depressed girl was in love with Sparkly Vampire, it convinced me that Sad depressed girl doesn’t value herself. She doesn’t even drive her own (admittedly awesome) old truck when he’s around! What the hell is going on!?

Or wait, maybe that’s just Kristen Stewart trying to act. She has the emotional range of a plank of wood. I’m pretty sure the only emotions she managed to convey were “holy shit a vampire” and “meh” and one of those isn’t even an emotion. Which I suppose must take some skill, actually.

I don’t know what’s up with Robert Pattinson in this film either. I know he can act, I’ve seen him do it in other movies. He isn’t always great, but at least he takes chances and can, you know, emote. In this there’s very little of that (except in comparison to Kristin Stewart), there’s just a lot of what I think is meant to be restraint. That’s what he keeps telling me it is, because Sad depressed girl is so tasty smelling he has to hold himself back like all the time. Except in the second and third act where they become really close and start going steady and spending all their time together, then it’s totally fine. He even smiles once or twice.

Also there’s a lot of little stuff in this movie that doesn’t make sense. Case in point, the first time Sad depressed girl gets near Sparkly Vampire is in biology class. She shows up, is welcomed by the teacher, handed books and lab gear, sits down, shares an awkward moment with Sparkly Vampire, and then the bell rings. What I’m left wondering is if she showed up for class an hour late or if funding for public education in Washington State is so bad that classes only last 3-5 minutes?

Also also, this is the weirdest version of vampires I think I’ve ever seen. They’re all daywalkers, they don’t have fangs, they sparkle in the sunlight, it doesn’t seem like anything short of having their head ripped off will actually hurt them, and they each get a superpower in addition to all the running, jumping and climbing trees they can do. Sparkly Vampire can read minds. Baby Sister Sparkly Vampire can tell the future. No wonder Sad Depressed Girl wants to be turned at the end, what if her power is something awesome like flight or mind control or losing control and turning into a giant green monster that can at least articulate one emotion?

So in conclusion, it’s poorly written and poorly acted. But wait, there’s more! It’s poorly shot and directed too! It’s crazy melodramatic already, but everything is shot to be as slick as possible in that way where the crew doesn’t seem to understand what slick is. When the bad vampires show up in their first scene they walk out of the mist but they are shot to look like they are floating. Or skating? It’s not really clear. It also looks like a shot out of a low budget TV movie, and the film is rife with crap like this. Low shots, high shots, lots of crazy jump cuts. It’s hard enough to watch because of the story and acting, why’d they have to go and make it visually frustrating as well?

Lastly, and this is more of a personal note, but Washington State is just down the street from where I live and you know what? Contrary to popular belief it isn’t overcast and rainy 100% of the time like it is in this movie. I mean, it rains a lot, but it’s not all the time. Hell, we had a sunny day just last week!

So, in closing, Twilight is a fucking awful movie and you really shouldn’t watch it. Or let anyone you know watch it. Or even talk about it ever again.

Rating: 1/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81


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3 Replies to “Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight”

  1. Was really waiting for the “I’m not sure the pain I experienced watching this was worth it for you dear reader.”

  2. It was alright to point and laugh. I’ve since watched more Twilight though, and the second one in particular literally made me angry.

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