Kristen Stewart

Review: American Ultra

Posted by Simon on August 21, 2015
Movies, Reviews / Comments Off on Review: American Ultra

Improbable as it may seem,  it’s not Jessie Eisenburgs’ transformation from anxiety-stricken stoner to peerless fighting machine that causes American Ultra to stumble. In fact, the choreography of the fight scenes make his activation as covert CIA agent all the more brutal and believable. Where the film falls down is that it succeeds where so many other have failed: it creates a stoner couple who are not only bearable, but actually extremely likeable. Unfortunately, past the midway mark the movie squanders that gift and limps to a total damp squib of a finale.

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WTF: Kristen Stewart and Nicholas Hoult to Star In ‘Epic Romance’ Based on 1984. Wait, What?

Posted by Matthew on January 17, 2014
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1984

You know the game ‘Broken Telephone’? When you whisper something in on persons ear and then they to another and then to another and so on and then when that last person reveals what they heard it’s totally different? Well I think that’s happened with a movie.

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Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Posted by Matthew on December 16, 2012
Movies / 2 Comments
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 Poster

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 Poster

I’ve been staring at a blinking cursor for a few days now, stupefied. Every time I start to write I just don’t know what to say because as it turns out I actually liked parts of this movie. No foolin’. So before I start ripping it to shreds, because I said I liked parts of the movie and not the movie I am going to say this: If you want to have a decent time at the movies pointing and laughing at something, you could certainly do worse than Breaking Dawn Part 2 and if you can sit through the whole thing you’ll be rewarded with one of the best action set pieces I’ve seen all year.

So with that in mind if you want to go in spoiler free then you should stop reading right now, go watch it and then come back.

I’ll wait here.

Last chance.

Ok good. Let’s get started then.

Apologies if I created the impression that Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 is a good movie, it most certainly is not a good movie but what it is is a movie that, at least in part, is so bad that it’s good. Or at least has some fun bits.

Anyway.

This one starts out where the last one left off. Sad Girl has just woken up from being dead and is now Sad Vampire. Except she’s not sad anymore. And Sparkly Vampire is happy she’s a vampire and conveys this by staring sullenly.

Not Sad Vampire girl is told she needs to go eat, so she runs out into the woods to find something to kill. This part of the movie is, with out a doubt, one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. I hope to god it plays well in the book but in the movie? Not so much. But it does at least establish that she can run fast, hit hard, and smell things from miles off. Such as when she smells a climber from 10 miles away and runs after him by clawing her way up a mountain side. Yeah, literally, it’s fucking ridiculous. Sparkly Vampire shows up to stop her but her Vampire Super Power is self control, so that works out well for the hiker. I would have preferred to see her eat someone, but that’s just me.

She heads back to the deer, then a cougar is there, and she kills the cougar instead of the deer and it’s exactly as terrible as it looks like it is in the trailer.

When she gets home she finds out that Buffy the Werewolf totally isn’t in love with the baby and proceeds to beat him up. Which is kind of hilarious. Not that there are other werewolves in this scene but it’s apparently too much money to pay real people to appear so instead we get CGI werewolves that I can’t tell apart. In fact, I can’t remember any of the other werewolves having any dialogue in the whole film that isn’t barking or growling. I wonder how much money they saved.

Then Maggie Grace reports Not Sad Vampire, Sparkly Vampire and the whole family to the Vampire Police for making a vampire baby because, you know, reasons. We met her for about 30 seconds (not an exaggeration) in the last film and she said something about a bad guy character from the second movie but in this movie we don’t have any real context about why she’d rat them out (and for the wrong thing, too). Wait a minute, this is Twilight, nothing has made sense so far so why the fuck am I surprised?

So now the bad guys are coming again. VPD chief Michael Sheen is bringing the entire department to kill everyone. And there’s fighting in the trailer so this could be good. Except now we come to the requisite hour or more of absolutely nothing fucking happening. They say “ok, we need to get all our friends togehter to testify at the trial that may or may not be happening and also to fight the police because in the words of Ice Cube_fuck tha police_. They all go their separate ways and then nothing. Again.

I could rag on Stephanie Meyer for a lot of reasons but honestly, none of these moveis have a second act. You could literally cut this whole bit out and it would all make the same amount of sense.

Once the team is assembled assembled we get a brief “here’s how to use your powers” sequence because vampires get superpowers in this story (more on that shortly). There’s a girl with electricity powers, there’s a mind reader, there’s a girl who can project thoughts into your head, and a guy who can “manipulate the elements”. Not Sad Vampire Girl, as it turns out, has all of the Invisible Woman’s superpowers except the turning invisible bit. For those of you in the crowd who aren’t comic book that means force fields.

All this time Buffy the Werewolf is hanging around because he totally isn’t in love with the baby. No, really, he’s imprinted and devoted to her and her needs and wants and desires but it’s totally not a romantic thing. Seriously. It’s not.

Here’s where this film gets interesting. The good guys line up on one side of a frozen field and the bad guys on the other. There’s a lot of posturing and talking and Not Sad Girl uses her force fields and then HOLY SHIT THE HEADS ARE FLYING.

Sparkly Dad runs at the bad guys and gets his head ripped off. This starts one of he most entertaining battle sequences I’ve seen on film all year. It’s ten solid minutes of nearly indestructible people with super powers beating up on one another and ripping each others heads off (because that’s the only way to kill a vampire in this world). People are leaping, getting zapped with electricity and suffocated in killer fog, there’s kung fu fighting and all out brawling and then the guy who manipulates the elements PUNCHES THE GROUND SO HARD IT OPENS UP A CHASM FULL OF LAVA. TOTALLY NOT KIDDING. People fall in, get tossed in and die in the lava. One of the wolves I’m totally supposed to be on a first name basis with by now dies in what the 13 year old girls in the crowd later told me was the saddest shot in the movie. Still didn’t know who it was, but sure, it was an effective shot.

Not as effective though as my favourite shot in the movie where, when Future Telling Sister Vampire grabs Dakota Fanning by the back of the neck and FEEDS HER HEAD FIRST TO A WEREWOLF.

You also have to remember during this entire sequence nothing is held back. Good guys and bad guys alike are dying left right and center. I’m completely not kidding when I say it’s an epic fight with lots of consequences. Or at least I wouldn’t be if it were any other movie, because turns out the battle didn’t actually happen. Yeah, that’s right, it’s just a mental projection by Future Telling Sister Vampire to scare off the VPD.

Everyone is still fine standing in the background and the chasm full of lava was just a cruel dream. Then a new character we’ve never met before, ever, or even really heard of shows up and says “the baby is like me, half and half” and the VPD says “oh really? we’re cool then. bye guys, thanks for coming out” and everyone gets a happy ending.

Yeah, Deus Ex Machina and a happy ending for all. No consequences for anyone, just exactly the happiest of endings for everyone without any real work to get there. Fuck you Stephanie Meyer.

The only other thing about this movie I liked was that Sad Girl became Not Sad Vampire and finally became somewhat of a real character. I know this is meant to fulfil the “born to be a vampire” bit of her arc, but it’s nice she’s not so much of a blank slate and finally a character that it makes sense people would want to fight over / have sex with. Speaking of which, they all say how much better she looks dead but I think that’s just because she starts wearing makeup and dressing better.

Other than that this is a lot of the same old shit, right down to having some otherwise great actors (like Lee Pace and Joe Anderson) horribly miscast and a middle act with nothing happening.

The films all seem to have a bad case of Harry Potter Syndrome where the story has been adapted but only the basic parts of it, none of whatever nuance the books may have and as a result I had no idea who any of the supporting characters were in any of them.

This one also has a mild case of Lord of the Rings-itis too in that it has a number of endings including the Deus Ex Machina mentioned above, and also including one where Buffy the Werewolf asks Sparkly Vampire “should I start calling you dad?” and you realize “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY HE REALLY DID FALL IN LOVE WITH A BABY! IT’S NOT PLATONIC LIKE THEY SAID, IT’S ROMANTIC AND SHE’S LITERALLY A BABY. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK STEPHANIE MEYER!”

And when it ends there’s sweeping Lord of the Rings style credits where we get images of everyone who starred in them, including all the minor characters I couldn’t keep track of as well as Deus Ex Machine himself who was on screen for less than 2 minutes total.

I did have a good time watching this movie, but it was mostly due to a combination of how easy it was to literally point and laugh and also Stockholm Syndrome. I’m pretty sure anyway.

Just remember, no matter what anyone else says in any of the movies, THE WEREWOLF FELL IN ROMANTIC LOVE WITH A BABY. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK.

Rating: 4/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

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Episode Thirty Nine: Twilight and Star Trek

Posted by Matthew on December 07, 2012
Podcast / Comments Off on Episode Thirty Nine: Twilight and Star Trek

We;re back with another episode! This week we talk a lot about a little, most prominently of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2, the new teaser for the teaser of Star Trek Into Darkness, a whole bunch more about Minecraft and Halo 4, and a lot of other things too!

Subscribe to Awesome Friday! in iTunes

Like what you hear? Don’t like what you hear? Tell us! email at comments at awesomefriday.ca, leave comments on this episodes page, and you can also follow us on twitter: @ManBitesWonders is Simon and @posterboy81 is Matt

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Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: New Moon

Posted by Matthew on November 25, 2012
Movies / 1 Comment

Twilight: New Moon

Masochism. That’s the only thing I can think of. The only reason I can fathom that made me decide to start out this series of articles by watching the Twlight “saga”.

I put saga in quotes because put simply Twilight isn’t dramatic enough to be a saga. Honestly, in most sagas things actually happen. So far very little has happened in these stories.

New Moon starts out pretty much right where Twilight left off. Sad Depressed Girl and Sparkly Vampire are now an item. Madly in something that they tell each other is love but is actually Sad Depressed Girl latching on to Sparkly Vampire for something to define herself with because she doesn’t have any self worth or a personality of her own, and Sparkly Vampire Keeping a pet around to remind himself of what it used to be like to have a pulse. Not so much love as codependence. Which, I suppose, is at least something for each of them.

Interestingly, Sad Depressed girl has some skin tone now. She didn’t get a tan in the fucking desert, but she doesn’t look quite so dead anymore. Unless you count her eyes which manage to convey roughly nothing for the duration of the film.

It’s Sad Depressed Girls birthday and she’s freaking out because she’s 18, which makes her older than her 100 year old boyfriend. I don’t really get why this isn’t a red flag for Sparkly Vampire. Why isn’t he looking at this girl and thinking to himself “holy shit this one’s a bit nuts.”? Usually the ones who want everything to remain perfect like the first time they met turn out to be serial killers or people who talk at the cinema or someone else destined for a special place in hell.

Anyway, everyone gives her gifts even though she doesn’t want them. She’s at Sparkly Vampires family’s house and gets a paper cut and everyone except for Sparkly Dad goes fucking apeshit. One of them tries to eat her, fucking finally, but everyone else holds him back.

With this turn of events Sparkly Vampire decides that he can’t protect Sad Depressed Girl, breaks up with her, and leaves town. Thus concludes the first five minutes of the movie =, and anything else that can reasonably be called “interesting stuff happening”.

No, seriously, the next hour and forty five minutes are basically all Sad Depressed Girl being even more sad and depressed than usual. She sits in a chair for months, then one day figures out she will hallucinate about Sparkly Vampire if she doesn’t do stupid shit, and starts doing stupid shit to have more hallucinations. It’s a good thing she keeps this to herself too because she’d probably be committed to a psych ward if she told anyone.

So months pass and despite presumably still going to school she manages to not talk to any of her other friends except Buffy the Werewolf, who doesn’t go to her school. How? When I was in high school we had to be there all day! Then again in the last movie classes were only 5 minutes long so maybe she has more free time and less contact with other students than I did when I was in high school.

Anyway, she constantly hangs out with Buffy the Werewolf and he falls truly madly deeply in love with her for, you know, reasons. I’d tell you what those reasons are, but that would require the movie telling me what they are. Which it doesn’t. In fact, it’s not really clear why anyone does anything in these films.

She doesn’t want that, I guess because she longs for the cold dead touch of one monster rather than the warm fuzzy touch of a werewolf. Or maybe she just doesn’t like wet dog smell.

Eventually Sad Depressed Girl jumps off a goddamned cliff so she can have a hallucination, she’s saved by Buffy, and then Baby Sister Good Vampire shows up because she can tell the future, or something, and thinks Sad Depressed Girl is dead. Which makes no sense, because later in the film she can basically see everything that Sparkly Vampire is doing as he does it, but she misses the bit where the werewolf saves someone she “already thinks of as a sister’.

You know, I’ll admit it’s kind of a cool idea to give the vampires their own superpowers to go with their endless thirst for blood, but so far it seems like none of the ones we know about consistently work. Or at least, only work when is convenient to the plot.

Oh, right. I almost forgot how fucking lazy this story is.

Anyway, now Sparkly Vampire thinks his pet is dead and decides to kill himself which he can apparently only do by committing suicide by cop. The Vampire Police Department live in Italy and are run by Police Chief Michael Sheen, which is a good thing because he plays creepy and weird so well.

Sad Depressed Girl stops Sparkly Vampire, they all go to Vampire Police HQ and they say “Sad Girl must die because she knows about Vampires.” And then Future Telling Sparkly Baby Sister says “no it’s all good she’ll be a vampire one day, maybe” and with that the Vampire Police say “oh, ok, we’re cool then. See you later, we have some tourists to eat.” And that’s it. For being a group so old and powerful and dangerous they don’t really seem to be any of those things.

We get one more stand off between Buffy and Sparkly and then Sparkly says “Marry Me” and it cuts to black.

Now, given how many words I’ve written it might seem like a lot has happened in this movie but it really hasn’t. It’s over two hours long and I’ve given you a pretty detailed summary of the first five minutes, the last ten minutes, and just a smattering of things in between. For around an hour and forty minutes nothing happens other than a sad girl being depressed because her undead boyfriend isn’t around to define her self worth.

And this is probably my biggest problem with the movies so far. The main character isn’t a character, she’s a blank slate. She has no personality of her own. She doesn’t even have the balls to move on with her life after Sparkly breaks up with her. She doesn’t even try. And then, after he’s treated her like shit, she still flies around the world (without even telling her father or anyone) to save his life. What the fuck people! She’s decided she wants to be a vampire in this movie too, she literally decides to give up her fucking life, and when she does she doesn’t get to do it on her own, she has the rest of the vampires vote on it for her!

When I watched Twilight I made more fun of it than I did this time because while that movie was ridiculous but it was easier to get past. This movie has just made me angry. Angry because this “saga” isn’t a story of love, it’s a story of co-dependance, of a broken person who makes no effort to have a life of her own and a dead guy, and the message they are putting forth to all the young girls watching is “you’re not good enough on your own”, and that’s fucking terrible.

Rating: 0/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

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