Prepare your eardrums.
EA, the longstanding kings of E3 bombast, are preparing their sweaty forearms for this year’s live show, starting in a little over ten minutes. We can expect a first look at the new Mirror’s Edge Catalyst, as well as (hopefully) some actual gameplay from Star Wars Battlefront. And then of course EA Access and Madden and Fifa and so on. I wonder if they’ll be any real, legitimate surprises? Remember when they brought out Dead Space and Mirror’s Edge in the same year? I think those days may have long passed. Here we go!
One minute to go. I can hardly contain myself.
Sorry. Shouldn’t be this cynical until I’m given a reason. Three minutes away? Four?
I’ve no idea what this first video is. Landscapes and cowboy music.
Oh my God. Mass Effect Andromeda. YES PLEASE! Out Holiday (Christmas) 2016.
“Play is our shared passion”. And money. DOn’t forget about money.
Three new IPs coming.
Sports, Mirror’s Edge, and Star Wars Battlefront for the finale.
First up, Need For Speed.
No gameplay, but lots of shiny neon and wet nighttime tracks through cities.
There’s a lot of hyperbole here. Apparently we’ll question whether the graphics are real or in-game. I think we’ll probably work it out.
Open world cities to be raced and explored. Area twice as big as in Carbon.
Five different play options to specialise or switch between. Out November 3rd.
Haha, they’re still using first person video again for the hilarious story content. Awesome.
Demo of car customisation. roll round 3D model and highlight upgrade points,m then select from menu. Looks pretty intuitive.
Cool, actual gameplay now. Looks very nice but the car handling looks awfully slippy. Back end sliding out all over the place. I guess that’s to make drifts easier.
Star Wars The Old Republic now. Forgot that was a thing. People still play this?
Knights Of The Fallen Empire. New, free, story-based expansion.
Don’t call it Knights Of The Old Republic 3.
New IPs now. The first is “unlike anything else you’ll see today”. Hmm.
First is Unravel. Emphasis on wool. I wonder how many people are thinking LittleBigPlanet right now?
Puzzle platformer where you play as a little guy made out of yarn. You unravel as you move.
There is a Swedish guy with tattooed fingers playing with a creepy yarn figure on stage.
The line of yarn behind you means that you have to use physics to work out how to move forward.
Very cute. Looks a bit like a Limbo but with wool and colour.
Urgh. Man in Plants VS Zombies puppet walking out to Danger Zone.
Team Fortress 2 with PvZ character models. Basically.
Except less exciting. Gameplay demo shows the same mix of tower building and enemy wave attacks. Found this flow of gameplay so boring in the first one.
Has droppable mechs like Titanfall, and the round ends with a rush to the evac craft…like Titanfall.
Has full single player bot mode and split screen with a friend.
Launching Spring 2016. Free content updates after launch.
NHL 16 now. Rousing speech about being champions.
New golf. No more Tiger. Four courses? Did he say four courses?
I must have misheard. Four courses?
Straight on to Madden. They’re blazing through all the EA Sports titles.
It’s funny how they sell each year’s iteration. NBA Live’s face scanning tech is the big feature this year.
Scan your face with an app.
Oh, God. The banter is cringeworthy tripe, as ever.
“TO UP YOUR SWAG”
The game looks quite nice, though. Although the list of things they’ve “finally” added does imply that the previous version was shit.
The animations are really, really good. Very realistic. Faces, not so much.
And now a whole section dedicated to mobile gaming. Jesus.
These companies need to realise that people log so much time on mobile games because we have many periods of free seconds that we want to fill with something meaningless.
And now here’s a Minions app.
My stream has just died to save me from the explanation demo of Minions Paradise.
Back now. Here’s Pele. So, Fifa time.
Standing O for Pele. Not for Minions Paradise.
Unfortunately the EA show is now stuck in a series on anecdotes with an old person, so there is no escape.
Somebody, somewhere, is swearing very loudly. The energy is plummeting. The presenter is desperately trying to bring it back to Fifa relevance.
Oh, boy. this is backfiring massively for EA. Pele’s a legend, for sure, but he is deep in life stories with no sign of stopping.
Haha, conversation nicely killed by the presenter. Back to Fifa 16!
PES beat Fifa pretty squarely last year in terms of gameplay, so EA has to make ground up this year. They’re emphasising on teamplay and dramatic final touches.
Fifa Trainer shows contextualised button options to help you get better.
And female teams! About time.
Looks shiny, as ever. I wonder what the game-braking single win move will be this year?
Mirror’s Edge time!
Please be good.
It’s Faith’s origin story. Hmm.
Free-roaming world, no levels, no loading. Movement looks pretty smooth.
Coming February 23rd 2016. Trailer now.
Looks very nice, but I wish they’d kept the original character model for Faith. I really hope it doesn’t go too combat heavy, and I’m disappointed it’s not a sequel. We’ll see how it unfolds.
New feature for Madden. Something about drafting players. This is lost on me, to be honest.
Still talking about hand egg. A largely boring EA show needs to be redeemed by Star Wars, and quickly.
Stream’s down for everyone, it seems. Just before Star Wars. Many people are now swearing loudly.
And we’re back! Eventually found Gamespot stream still up and running. Hopefully in time for Star Wars now.
Hoth battle on PS4. Let’s have a look!
Out November 17th.
Here’s the problem: it’s overpriced, devoid of single player campaign, fewer maps, no space combat…but ti’s the game of my childhood dreams. It looks like the battle of Hoth. I feel like I’m going to be back and fore over this for a while. It just looks amazing.
Anyway. Boring show on most levels with no great surprises and an almost total lack of open-mouthed wonder. Until Star Wars, that is. Let’s see what Ubisoft has in store later. See you at 3pm!