HEY YOU. Do you like Assassinating some Creed? Do you like Watching some Dogs? Do you enjoy the odd bit of Far Crying? You do? You’re in the right place. It’s time for Ubisoft’s E3 conference!
No need to refresh, just sit back and try to work out which game is being far too early this year. Let’s go!
Hello! I hope you’re all fed and watered. Time for Ubisoft.
First off looks to be a Far Cry 4 trailer.
You’re in a jeep, just like the beginning of Far Cry 2, but this time ascending up a mountain side.
Aaaand everyone’s dead.
The border guards’ boss has turned up in his own choppah and is not happy.
Apparently he wants me to go to his pants party. Or something.
Far Cry 4, out November 18th. Set in the Himalayas, openworld and ready for all the chaos you wish to create.
Well, it’s 3pm, and I’m pretty glad my kid isn’t around to watch this. He doesn’t need to see anyone violently stabbed in the neck, or learn the word FUCK (two separate opportunities). This isn’t an evening adult show, Ubisoft.
Saying that, I really like Aisha Taylor as host, but it’s a shame that has has to once again justify why she’s there.
Oh, and now it’s a colourful dancing bit with Pharrell’s song doing the business, so those kids who watched the first five minutes don’t have nightmares for the next week.
So, yeah, a new way to play Just Dance. Without actually buying it?
just Dance Now. It’s a smartphone app that links to a wifi enabled smart TV. Anyone with a phone can pay on single screen.
Lots of people dancing to Lady Gaga to prove this point. Placed dancers in the audience joining in trying to make it like a flash mob. It’s all a bit embarrassing frankly.
Apparently everyone is scored. Lots of simultaneous players, if that’s your thing.
On to The Division again. I wonder what else they’ll show us after the Xbox gameplay demo.
The guy is telling us the story like it s REALLY FUCKING SERIOUS and not a shitty video game script
Gravelling voiced narrator telling us how the virus started over timelapse city footage.
The timelapse breakdown of the city is very cool, actually.
So it seems like you and your squad are trying to slowly break down the gangs and bring order back to the city.
So the Mac has just gone crazy so I’ve had to shift around my setup. Back now. They’re talking about The Crew, a driving MMO that I honesty thought was dead.
Apparently the trailer showed one of a the TWO HOUR missions across Miami. Hey, guess which driving game I’m never going to play.
The Crew will be out November 11th – PS4, Xbox One, PC.
You can’t drive into the past. Sheesh.
Yep, Assassin’s Creed Unity now. Creative director here to tell us why we should buy yet another one of these games.
CGI trailer. Always the best part!
We’re in revolutionary Paris. There’d better be a “he lost his head” joke in there somewhere.
Amazingly impressive (and expensive) scene of the four assassins working together to take down a crowd of guards, but it’s in no way representative of actually playing the game, so…
Arnaud is the main assassin, but they’re once again reminding you that it’s four player co-op.
So…Arnaud, the assassin in Paris, with a French name, has a proper English accent. Because Europe, I guess.
Live gameplay demo now played by one of the main game designers.
Lots on screen, loads of NPCs, but it plays exactly like all the other ones. Not sure same-but-shiny is good enough any more, not for this franchise anyway.
Walk out into the open world and there’s icons EVERYWHERE. GO AND DO ALL THESE THINGS IN YOUR SINGULAR QUEST FOR REDEMPTION.
If this sounds familiar to you, then you’ve played an Assassin’s Creed game.
Um…everyone has an English accent. That’s just plain weird.
But they do throw in random French words, like “merci”. You know, for authenticity.
And that’s it. Sorry for the cynicism, but nothing brings it out like Assassin’s Creed.
Ironically, there’s now a guy with a real French accent introducing Shape Up, a fitness game. I see this going well.
So…it seems like it uses some trick from DDR to make you stamp your avatar onto a series of rising notes. Drunk fun, definitely.
Now there’s more French-accented Ubisofters to demonstrate the MP aspect.
They are in a push-up battle, and the screen superimposes large objects on their backs.
I like the ridiculous arcadey graphics. Fun.
Valiant Hearts now. A WW1 puzzle adventure that genuinely looks wonderful.
NO STREAM DO NOT CRASH NOW
(It’s not listening)
Gah, Mac stream working, PC not. Valiant Hearts has soldiers trying to survive with their dog. More on that soon.
Big boss on stage now, to show us something new.
I wonder what it is.
A group of marines scoping out a hostage situation in a house. Rainbow Six?
Two teams are fighting over a hostage and we’re getting updates as to who’s got her. Which means this is a multiplayer experience, probably.
Drones going under the doors to scope out the enemies.
Looks like the walls are destructible, giving you a wide variety of assault options.
Just like The Division, there’s a VO that would be wonderful if it was part of the game. But it won’t be.
Yeah, it’s Rainbow Six. Looks pretty tight, if that’s your thing.
They’re pushing Rainbow Six as their Watch Dogs for this year. It’s not, but it does look pretty good.
I think the assassin in AssCreedTheFourth should have a harsh quebec accent.
“Hon Hon Hon, I am going to Azzazinate yew sil vous plait.”
And that’s it for Ubisoft. Some interesting tidbits but nothing that’s going to keep people talking in a week. I can’t believe how sleepy I feel just looking at a new Assassin’s Creed, but there’s no stopping them now. Hey, at least they didn’t announce a Watch Dogs sequel. See you at 6pm for Sony!
“Bonour! Je suis L’Assassin…et la est mon SPIKY K-NIFE”
La piscine est dans la gare.
I would play the shit out of that game, French Revolutionary Assassin with a Monty Python style French Accent.
I’m more excited by that than anything else from the last few hours.