Matt’s 2013: The Worst List

Posted by Matthew on January 06, 2014
Editorial

Worst List

I saw a lot of movies in 2013. I didn’t see all the movies, but I did see probably more than my fair share. I’ve already been through the films I was looking forward to, now let’s look at the films I liked least.

A couple of notes about this list.

First, there are a few films on here that I didn’t actually review. Why didn’t I review them? Mostly because I didn’t see them in theatres and I’d decided at the beginning of the year to only publish reviews of films I’d seen in theatres.

Second, there are only 8 films on it. I could have easily made a worst 10 list but when I went over the list of films I’d watched it turned out that only 8 really jumped off the screen as being bad enough to go on a list. Kind of nice actually.

Third, this isn’t strictly a list of films that are objectively bad. There are films here that are awful but there are films here that just disappointed me. Also, with the exception of the #1 and #2 films on this list, they really could be put in just about any order so let’s not get bogged down too much in the “you liked x less than y?” talk.

Fourth, It’s been months since my initial viewing of some of these and my perspective may have changed on some of them from my previous writing. Yeah, I’m a person and my opinions can change. Fun!

Right? Right. Let’s do this.

Jobs

Love him or hate him, Steve Jobs was an interesting figure. You wouldn’t get that impression from watching this movie though. The only impression this movie left is that Steve Jobs was a total asshole.

That’s not necessarily that far off the truth either but the film takes such great strides to get from iconic moment to iconic moment that it misses out on telling us anything actually interesting about the man other than that he yelled a lot.

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger has so many problems I don’t really know where to start. It has ridiculous plot, a weirdly cast Johnny Depp (in the bad way), every action sequence is over the top and either too long, too padded with CGI, or both. That and it’s mostly pretty boring.

The Internship

Remember when Vince Vaughan was funny? When he played the slightly manic dick head with a big heart that first time? Or the third time? Well this is the millionth time and I’m tired of it. He has good chemistry with his friend Owen Wilson but the material jokes here would only barely be funny, say, 3 to 5 years ago.

Plus the fact that they may as well have renamed this movie “GOOGLE ADVERTISING” doesn’t help.

The Host

If you ever wondered if Stephanie Meyer was any good depite Twilight you can wonder no more: she isn’t.

The story in The Host takes what I actually think is an interesting idea (a love story between 4 people, 2 of which happen to be in one body) and just does nothing with it.

The rest of the story is such bland, by the numbers young adult bullshit that I wouldn’t even recommend it to fans of Twilight.

Gangster Squad

Take a director who made a movie I really liked, add a solid leading man and two hot young stars who are normally magnetic (especially together), and an award winning actor as a villain and what do you get?

Turns out you get a boring movie. I don’t know how Reuben Fleisher managed to make Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone uninteresting, but he did.

Add to this a completely re-shot third act and presumably numerous cuts to what remained and you get a good looking mess.

After Earth

Boring. That’s the word for After Earth. Boring and maybe obvious. A story with few surprises, Will Smith being told not to be charismatic or interesting, lots of expository voice over, and a story that’s basically a thinly veiled allegory to what it’s like to be a famous hollywood family? Ugh.

Oh, and directed by M. Night Shyamalan. I no longer have any hope for him.

Man of Steel

So this is number 2. I’ve talked at length about Man of Steel but what it comes down to is that Superman is supposed to be a symbol of hope and this film doesn’t do that. Superman is meant to be the better man and this film doesn’t show that. Superman is supposed to be fun and this movie isn’t.

I really wanted this to be a good movie but it just isn’t, and every time I give it any thought I just come back with more reasons why I don’t like it.

And if this is #2 then that means….

Star Trek Into Darkness

Yup. As if there was any doubt. I’m a life long trekkie. I really like the 2009 Star Trek film and I was actually pretty excited to see where JJ Abrams was going to take us. Sure, it pushed Star Trek further into the realm of dumb action movies than it ever had been before, but it was fun.

Star Trek Into Darkness is not fun. It has all the components of a fun film but just falls flat. It’s cast very well but the characters are incconsistent, their motivations are all over the place and their roles in the story are ever changing. One of them exists only to be shown in her underwear. Another exists for the sole reason of providing a twist that is not only not shocking but –along with many other heavy handed references– just makes the plot seem like they cribbed it from a fan fiction site.

The only good thing I can say about Star Trek Into Darkness is that it’s pretty. Basically everything else about it is just disappointing.

Conclusion

So there you have it. The movies I enjoyed least in 2013. Agree or disagree? Let me know, I’d love to hear your opinions.

Keep a weather eye out as my list of the best films of the year will be out shortly.

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