So I decided to start watching bad movies again and I figured a good place to start would be with a recent movie which had a funny as hell trailer but turned out to be pretty much the worst thing in the world. The films tagline is “once you’ve seen it you can’t unsee it” and it’s true, just not in the way they intended.
Movie 43 is a film made up of vignettes. There are two versions of the frame story that holds these vignettes together, one involving kids trying to find the a banned movie on the internet and another involving a screenwriter pitching various movies to a studio executive. Both of these are fucking stupid.
I was prepared for this movie to be bad but I was unprepared for just how bad it would be. I am not going to recount the plot for each one in detail, I am just going to give you a brief point form synopsis of each one. I’d like to make fun of them more but they all pretty uch fall under “you just can’t make this shit up” so I don’t have to.
In order they are:
- Kate Winslet on a date with Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman with testicles on his neck which no one notices except for Kate Winslet.
- Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts homeschool their kid and want him to have the “authentic high school experience” which to them means the worst time of his life so they tease him, bully him, and even put him through his first kiss. With his mom.
- Chris Pratt proposes to Anna Faris, Anna Faris asks Chris Pratt to poop on him. Includes exposition from Chris Pratt’s best friend about how “shitting is something you do on a whore, pooping is a gift you give to your soulmate”.
- Kieren Culkin the grocery store clerk has graphically sexual argument with his ex, Emma Stone, with the PA turned on.
- Batman and Robin, Jason Sudekis and Justin Long, are at a speed dating event. Robin is there to date, Batman is there to stop a bomb. Includes appearances from Lois Lane (Uma Thurman) and Supergirl (Kristen Bell) and Superman (Bobby Canavale) and The Penguin (John Hodgman) and Wonder Woman (Leslie Bibb). Basically depicting Batman mentally and emotionally abusing Batman.
- A commercial about machines that dispense things (ATMs, Copiers, Vending Machings) and the children that live inside and power them, and how your abuse of said machines affects said children.
- Big company has a board meeting about how teenage boys keep mangling their fingers and penises in the “vagiport cooling vent” of their full sized naked woman MP3 player. Includes the company rolling out a new model, which is black, and the line “finally we can offer our customers a choice of colour”.
- Chloe Grace Moretz and some other kid are on a date, Christopher Mintz-Plasse is the older brother there to mentally and emptionally abuse him and she has her first period which makes them all think that she is bleeding to death. This ends with the boys father doing a “pull my finger” fart joke.
- Johnny Knoxville captures a leprechaun for his best friend Sean William Scott’s birthday. The leprechaun is played by Gerard Butler, and also foulmouthed. They proceed to torture the leprechaun for the location of his pot of gold.
- Stephen Merchant and Halle Berry are on a first date and challenge each other to a game of truth or dare which starts with grabbing strangers asses and blowing out the candles on a blind kids birthday cake and ends up with plastic surgery and tattoos.
- Terrance Howard inspires his all black high school basketball team by repeatedly pointing out that they are black while the other team is white, and therefor nowhere near as good at basketball.
- Elizabeth Banks has just moved in with Josh Duhamel. Josh Duhamel has an animated pet cat called Beezel who is in love with him. This one is fucking disgusting and ends with the cat running Elizabeth Banks with a truck, her violently assaulting the cat in retaliation, and a group of kids witnessing the assault and then killing her for it.
Here’s the ting. Each one of these has a pretty solid idea underpinning them. There’s lots of room to be funny here but instead of going for funny the filmmakers have just dialed the offensive up to 11 and ran with with it so instead of being able to laugh at how funny it is you just sit there feeling uncomfortable.
This movie is so irredeemably bad that I can’t even be witty about it. I feel sorry for everyone who has ever seen it and everyone who ever will. The rating system we use doesn’t have the capacity to dole out negative numbers, which is a shame, because this is literally the worst thing I have ever seen. And I watched all five Twilight movies.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go wash my eyes out with bleach.
Rating = 0/10
Matt Watches Bad Movies is a feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to tell me about it in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81