I almost want to say that in watching these movies I’m becoming more interested in seeing what happens next. I thought about this for a few minutes last night after watching Eclipse and I came to the conclusion that I don’t so much want to see what happens next as I do want to see something, fucking anything happen in these movies. I’ve got two more to go after this one and it’d be nice if at least one of the five movies has anything of consequence to the characters actually happening.
That being said, as compared to New Moon Eclipse is a fucking masterpiece of character development. Sort of. If you don’t count that said development has also already happened in the last five minutes of the last movie. Seriously, at the end of the last movie Sad Girl tells Buffy the Werewolf that she’ll always choose the Sparkly Vampire –something that she repeats at the start of this film– and then she spends most of this film choosing between Buffy and Sparkly.
I knew the love triangle seemed forced but I was chalking that up to bad acting more than anything because nothing else happens in these movies. I’m three films in now and nothing of consequence has really happened to anyone except that the Clingy Sad Girl was adopted as a pet by the Sparkly Vampire. I think so that he can live vicariously through her. Pun completely intended.
So this time around the bad guy is the Sparkly Ginger from the first movie. She showed up for about 30 seconds in the last one so we’d know she’s still around, but now she’s the big bad. Or so they tell me, because she only has about 30 seconds of screen time. She spends most of the movie not in the movie and there’s an entirely new guy she creates and apparently controls.
The reason for this is that it turns out that Future Telling Sparkly Baby Sister can’t actually see the future, she can see the outcomes from peoples decisions, and that she’s focussing on Gingers decisions so Ginger makes someone new to make decisions for her. First let me say that when you think about it this makes a kind of sense which is good because something in these films fucking has to. Thing is, that’s not how it’s really been portrayed so far, so it doesn’t make sense.
Anyway, Ginger hates Sparkly because Sparkly killed her boyfriend and now Ginger wants to kill Sparkly’s pet for revenge but she can’t do it on her own so she makes a few vampires and marches on forest town to kill people. While all these new vampires are being created the Vampire PD show up and do nothing but watch despite that one of the only laws VPD is meant to enforce is “don’t be an obnoxious twat and make a big mess” and these new vampires are obnoxious twats making a big mess.
There’s also a kid vampire who gets a bunch of screen time because later in the film they need a way to prove that VPD are the bad guys and the easiest way to do that? Have them kill the kid! No, seriously, the bag guys kill a kid. Slightly messed up.
And this happens right after the big final fight. Now, I will say that the big fight has a few cool moments. Watching Future Telling Baby Sister and her apparently civil war soldier boyfriend beat their way through some random bad guys is all right, and wolves eat vampires which is alright, and Sparkly kills ginger, which is alright.
Oh, yeah, Buffy the Werewolf and Sparkly decide to work together because Sparkly is outnumbered and Buffy likes killing vampires. And Sad Girl’s in danger, and he wants to protect her because he loves her for, you know, reasons.
But here’s the main reason why the big fight sucks. Future Telling Sister saw it coming in the first act. Every minor character spends the rest of the movie training and learning to work together with the Gay Wolf Club while Sad Girl, Buffy and Sparkly mope about how much Sad Girl loves Sparkly. And then it’s over in like 2 minutes flat, no one on the good guys side is hurt except for Buffy, after the fight, and then VPD shows up to say “by the way we’re still actually the bad guys even though we’ve done nothing in this movie. Look, we’ll kill a kid just to prove it.”
Speaking of the Gay Wolf Club, do they have jean shorts hidden everywhere in the state? Because every time they shape shift their clothes rip off, but every time they shift back and come around a corner as a person again they are wearing jean cutoffs. That’s weird, right? I can’t be the only one to have noticed this.
A lot of people I know feel like they are milking the shit out of Twilight by splitting the fourth book into two parts but you know what? I disagree. If Stephanie Meyer wrote things happening in that book it’s probably best we see them all. No, if they are milking Twilight it’s by not looking at New Moon and Eclipse and thinking “shit nothing happens here, maybe we should condense them into one movie.”
Granted, I don’t think that would have made a better movie but at least it would have been one less to sit through.
Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81