Christ on the motherfucking cross. I have been having trouble each time I go to start these reviews of Twilight because so little happens in each one. Honestly, it’s hard to write about nothing. I don’t know how Stephanie Meyer does it because while I have a hard time writing about nothing it must be even harder to actually just write nothing.
That’s what these films are so far, in case you haven’t put this together from my previous twilight reviews. Something happens, and then a shit load of people looking sad, talking about looking sad, and laying around, and staring at one another. It’s been kind of infuriating, and I still have one more movie to go because they made two movies out of the last book! There’s so much nothing they couldn’t cram it all into one 2 hour movie!
So Sad Girl and Sparkly are finally married. They go away to the island that Sparkly’s mom owns for their honeymoon. Wait, what? Ok, wait, I know that the Sparkle Family is old and all but how much money do they have anyway? Is this ever made clear? It makes sense they’d have enough to fly around the world at the drop of a hat, but enough for Sparkle Dad to give his wife a fucking Brazilian island? Oh, wait, Stephanie Meyer is a lazy writer. Nevermind.
Anyway, they go away and they’re married. So maybe instead of just laying around in meadows and starting at each other maybe Sad Girl and Sparkly can finally have some sex and then maybe they can smile. For once. Instead of standing around with their mouths half open worrying about whether the last 30 seconds were the best or second best thirty seconds of their lives.
Turns out it doesn’t work though. Good sweet jesus these people can’t even have sex without moping about for ages. Except this time it’s mostly Sparkly being all “omg i gave you a bruise” and to her credit, Sad Girl being all “FUCK YEAH BRUISES I LIKE IT! WHY AREN’T YOU PLOUGHING ME LIKE A BEAN FIELD??”
Although I don’t understand why when he says “I don’t want to hurt you” she doesn’t say “then let me be on top for once you selfish prick.” And then when she finally does it fades to black and I remembered I was watching a kids movie. Le sigh.
And then because there hasn’t been any drama for the last while it turns out that Sparkly has put his demon spawn in her belly. Which isn’t even hyperbole, he’s literally a demon and his spawn is in her belly and everyone starts moping again.
As an aside I have a question for Stephanie Meyer: In her world vampires don’t have blood. You can rip their heads off, slice, them dice them, make julienne fries out of them, nothing. No blood. But somehow they have all the other bodily fluids. How does that make any sense whatsoever?
Aaaaaaaanyway. They go back to Drearytown and don’t tell anyone, but then the Gay Wolf Club find out and get their cutoffs in a bunch, and then there’s well over an hour of brooding while nothing happens.
Sad Girl stays pregnant for a while, the Demon Spawn apparently is eating her from the inside out and the Gay Wolf Club gets really upset. because if a vampire hurts a human that’s, like, bad and they blame Sparkly. For, you know, reasons.
Then the baby is born and Sad girl “dies” on the table and Buffy the Werewolf blames Demon Spawn and decides to kill Demon Spawn. What the hell is it with Stephanie Meyer and killing kids? So Buffy goes to do that but when he sees the Demon Spawn, the newborn baby, he fucking falls in love with it.
Let me repeat that. Buffy the Werewolf falls in love with a baby. There’s a brief fight outside between the Gay Wolf Club and Sparkly Family but then they find out Buffy fell in love and they’re all “oh, really? right, we’re cool then bro.” and leave. Then Sad Girl wakes up with red eyes, which means she’s a vampire.
And that’s it.
Now, I know that this movie is really just an adaptation of the first two thirds of the last book so finding an ending in there was probably pretty hard, but it’s like Stephanie Meyer doesn’t ever want to take an real risks. This is something I’ve noticed in all four of the movies so far is that there’s a shit load of build up to each of the films climaxes but then nothing happens. No one is ever hurt or killed or anything. At worst, in the second film, everyone got a stern reprimand from the Vampire Police. Heaven forbid her characters even have to learn something or grow.
It’s bad enough that the overreaching message of this “saga” is that what not having any self esteem or personality and latching onto the nearest person who will treat you with any regard whatsoever –even if it’s just as a pet, which is how Sparkly treats Sad Girl– is the same thing as falling in love, it’s also pretending that this lazy ass excuse for a story is good writing, good drama. I think if when I am one day a parent my kid picks up these books? I am going to make it a rule that they read Shakespeare or Tolkien Steinbeck or Fitzgerald in between the books just so they understand how bad their choice actually was.
The one thing that this movie gives me some slight hope for is the last movie. Since it’s just an adaptation of the last act of the last book it’s basically all going to be ending. It’s a slight hope, given this series history with shitty endings, but there is one other thing to consider:
I’ll finally be done watching this fucking dreck and move onto watching something else terrible..
Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81