Monthly Archives: December 2012

Simon’s Best of 2012

Posted by Simon on December 31, 2012
Editorial / 3 Comments

Best film – Looper

There’s so much to like about my film of 2012. Great script, stellar cast, strong direction from a relative newcomer…but Looper‘s best trick was what it didn’t tell you. The trailer would have you believe that you’re going to be watching a time travel action movie, young self hunting old in an indie twist on Terminator. What you actually got was a slow-burner that certainly had these elements in the background, but was really an exploration of family loyalty, the consequence of action, and how love can mutate and save at the same time. It gave us a further element to the age-old nerd dilemma: kill or spare young Hitler? Looper dares to suggest an alternative – change him, before it’s too late? It’s really something special, and the final message that Love Is The Answer resonated deeply over the weeks that followed the closing credits.

Also, it blatantly sidesteps the inevitable discussions on the holes in its time travel: Bruce Willis tells us directly that it just doesn’t matter. Deal with it. Watch the damn movie.

Honourable mentions:

Ghost Rider 2 – Really, one of the most enjoyable cinema experiences I’ve ever had. Take away the need to “act”, let Nic Cage be crazy and mo-cap the shit out of him, use the Crank directors, combine for great success.

Avengers – Awesome superhero ensemble party with Whedon serving fine cocktails. High art? Nope. Amazing, enjoyable, thrilling and genuinely funny? Yep. In spades.

Skyfall – Not just a great Bond film, but a fantastic action thriller that will hopefully act as a blueprint for the future of the franchise.


Best Game – Super Hexagon – iPhone

What’s the meaning of life?

Sorry, let me backtrack a little and give you some context. Super Hexagon has a simple premise: don’t die. Walls of death approach and all you can do is rotate your tiny triangle around a central hexagonal spoke. Inch through the space, repeat. Score is time. One touch is death, game over. Press to restart. Over and over and over again. Time slows and seconds become milestones. First twenty, thirty, forty. Sliding forward, each instant restart a chance to improve and slice away at your best score. Last a minute, and the game tells you you’re wonderful. You feel it too, with a sense of elation that is unmatched by many other “deep” games. And that’s just the first level – knowingly labeled “Hard” – before you fling yourself further down the rabbit hole in comparative, superlative and Hyper versions.

How can something so simple – an iPhone version of a Flash game, for God’s sake – leave such a lasting impression on so many gamers? I think it’s the purity. There’s absolutely zero fluff or filler in the design. Story, character, Freemium DLC (spit) – all eschewed in favour of a single beating heart. It reminds me of the hours I spent playing the version of Geometry Wars Waves buried in Project Gotham Racing 4 (if you haven’t tried it, I recommend throwing five bucks on a used copy and heading straight to the arcade cabinet in your garage). It’s almost like it contains the very root of everything I love about gaming, distilled and concentrated in one single action.

But, then, it goes even a little further. It feels like its trying to tell you something about yourself, about life. The desperation to stay alive, the fact that you have to read the situation, make your decision, move and live by the consequences. You can never go back. Indecision is the enemy and leads to failure. Read, move, act with instinct and trust that deep, deep voice inside.

There have been a few times where I’ve looked at the encroaching walls and my brain has given up. You can’t do it, it says. That’s it. Game over. Then I watch passively as my fingers take over and lead me through the gaps with millimetre precision. Maybe that’s why the iPhone version is actually my favourite – the timing windows for the gaps are buried somewhere very deep in my nerve endings. It’s also with me all the time, and is the perfect distraction for the occasional spare two minutes between being an effective teacher and responsible parent. I play it and the world shrinks away for ninety seconds, the music vibrates my fingers, my heart pulses in time with the screen.

What’s the meaning of life? Who knows. But for me, this year, it’s been Super Hexagon; keep moving, trust your instincts, make your decision, and go. You can never go back.

Honourable mentions:

Journey – PS3 – Beautiful, moving and meaningful. So rare to get this from a game these days.

FTL – Mac – Just getting into this, but it’s already worming its way into my thoughts. It’s certainly made me consider doors as a higher priority.


Biggest disappointment (game or movie) – The Dark Knight Rises

I’m sure Matt’s chosen the same. You only need to listen again to our podcast to hear the abject disappointment hanging on every groaned syllable. His analysis will no doubt act as a highly-detailed magnifying glass over one of the year’s biggest films, but let me be the blunt hammer to his scalpel. The Dark Knight Rises ultimately does the unforgivable – simply put, it is just A Very Bad Movie.

Not a rarity, not this year or any year, but let me tell you why this badness is especial:

This is a Christopher Nolan movie

Inception has spoiled me. It’s practically ruined anything remotely in a similar genre. The last film that had that effect on me was Fight Club, especially as I was then a student of filmmaking who, right up to that point, arrogantly thought I could improve on anything with my unsurpassed dynamic vision and seemingly limitless talent. Fight Club left me physically shaking in a taxi, wondering how the hell I could ever be that good. Inception did the wondrous thing of telling a story that could only have been told in that medium, by that director. Insomnia, Momento, The Prestige; all additional rock-solid signs that Nolan utterly understands the silken weave between pace, time, story, setting and character. How could all this vision, this experience, result in something as wooden and splintered as Rises?

The Dark Knight exists

Batman Begins sowed the seeds of new Batman, moving away from Schumacher day-glo pyrotechnics to a version more grounded in the real. TDK then took this formula and dared to cast some young actor from A Knight’s Tale to continue Jack Nicholson’s Joker legacy. Do you remember the furore surrounding Health Ledger’s casting? I’m sure I even contributed to it. All the whining stopped immediately when the second film finally released. But was it just Ledger holding it together? No. Nolan’s a director who can bring out the best from all his actors (a reaction by Al Pacino in Insomnia is still the greatest piece of acting I’ve ever seen on film) so Ledger’s star turn is not a singular lynchpin. The script, slow and steady and full of malice. The characters, so well-rounded and interesting. The movie fit together as an intricate Chinese puzzle box. You left the theatre feeling like you’ve been exposed to what happens when the best are allowed to work together.

Conversely, DKR felt like I’d just read the readers’ questions section in Cosmopolitan.

The story is bad

I’m not going to list all the problems with this script and plotline (pro tip: Google them), but suffice to say they have more holes than an infinite golf course.


Disappointment is an understatement, then. An altogether dreary and unsatisfying ending to one of the most invigorating superhero reboots in cinema history.

Honourable mentions:

Cabin In The Woods – Great premise, wonderful execution, terrible ending that negated the actions of the previous fifty minutes. Shame.

Promethius – Went in with low expectations, found the end result to be even lower. Very beautiful but ruined by a terrible script with some of the worst space scientists I’ve ever seen.

Halo 4Halo is all about story for me. Note to 343 Industries -“story” does not mean “go here, do this set of three things, repeat”.


Top 3 I haven’t seen/played:

Cloud Atlas – I’m reading the book at the moment – and it’s entirely wonderful – so I’ve delayed watching the movie as I don’t want my imagination forced to picture Halle Berry instead of my own Luisa Rey. Really curious to see how on earth anyone could ever think they could make a movie of this book. Adored Run, Lola, Run, so it’ll be a visual feast if nothing else.

Smashed – I’ve been saying for a long time that Mary Elizabeth Winstead is one of the best young actors working at the moment, and this seems to the film that finally supports this claim. It only had a limited run here, so looking forward to catching it before the Oscars so I can throw some support behind it.

Tokyo Jungle – The PSN title that lets you play as a Pomeranian, trying to survive post-human Tokyo amidst hyenas and lions. It sounds like an utterly unique gaming experience that could only have emerged from Japan.



Happy New Year!

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Matt Watches Bad Movies: Alex Cross

Posted by Matthew on December 30, 2012
Movies / Comments Off on Matt Watches Bad Movies: Alex Cross


Tyler Perry is an interesting figure. He makes something like 3 movies a year, usually writes and directs and stars in them, and in the process makes a shit load of money. Despite this all this there are still people who don’t know who he is. Seriously, I was talking to a friend just last night about Alex Cross and they had no idea who Tyler Perry is. Even when I mentioned Madea, who I am pretty sure he plays in all his movies including this one.

Except in Alex Cross he plays Madea as a man. A huge man who looks like a teddy bear and is a psychologist cop.

Dr. Lt. Madea Teddybearington has partners, he has two for some reason, are Rachel Nichols and Sgt. Irish Stereotype played by Ed Burns. Rachel Nichols and Sgt. Irish are also sleeping together and Sgt. Irish thinks he might be in love. This will come up again in a bit.

The movie starts out with them catching a bad guy to establish that Dr. Lt. Madea is good at what he does but his partners are inept.

Then we meet the bad guy, Jack from Lost on Crack played by Jack from Lost. He joins an underground mixed martial arts fight and tells his opponent “don’t hit me in the face because I’m too pretty (he isn’t) and you’ll never fight again.”

Naturally he gets hit in the face and when he does he goes all crazy and immediately beats the shit out of the guy. I guess he was putting on a show or something. This is meant to establish that Jack from Lost on Crack is a crazy person but all it did for me is establish that Jack from Lost is a terrible actor.

Jack from Lost on Crack then goes home with a woman from the crowd and drugs her up and tortures her for information. If this had been R rated instead of PG-13 this would have been a much better scene. Also if the character was being played by anyone other than Jack from Lost.

Dr. Lt. Madea and company arrive on scene and everyone stops being useful so he can figure it out. They also find a drawing Jack did for, you know, reasons.

Back at the police station Dr. Lt. Madea tells everyone what he’s figured out and does so my staring into the middle distance out a window while everyone else looks on in lustful awe. Then he finds a clue in the drawing that Jack drew. Yes, Jack left a clue in the drawing because he can’t decide if he’s a psycho, a master planner or an idiot.

They go to find the vaguely European guy the clue indicates which they figured out during a part of the movie I fell asleep for. They get there and someone hands Dr. Lt. Madea a shotgun. So now there’s a 6’5″ teddy bear with a shotgun and a Jack from Lost on Crack attacks. Sgt. Irish Stereotype gets locked in the vaguely european panic room which apparently only opens from the outside. Let me just say that again, the panic room he claims can only be opened from the outside. I’m not going to comment on this further because you should know how ridiculous it is.

Anyway, they foil Jacks plan and save the day. BC, at the station Police Captain Dr. Cox from Scrubs congratulates them and at this point Sgt Irish literally asks “so this guy is a psycho, any chance he’ll come after us?” And Dr. Lt. Madea considers this for a moment and says “nah, it’ll be fine.”

At times like this I wonder if anyone in movies has ever seen a goddamned movie. Honestly.

So this is when Jack come after the team. He tortures and kills Rachel Nichols, then taunts Lt. Dr. Madea and kills Mrs. Dr. Lt. Madea. He then doesn’t kill Dr. Lt. Madea or Sgt. Irish, which he says is to inflict pain on them but actually just reads more like he wants to give them motivation to kill him in the third act because he had a pretty clean shot at killing everyone and is a professional killer and could have just saved himself a whole lot of trouble. Hell he could have just ended the movie if he’d killed everyone and finished his mission and, you know, won.

The rest of the film you’ve seen before. Jack turns out to be a pawn in a larger conspiracy orchestrated by an aging Jean Reno, Madea and Irish prepare to go rogue and hunt jack down, Madea’s elderly mother gives him a speech about retaining his soul, and then he goes rogue and hunts jack down.

I’d love to tell you this film has any redeeming features other than Rachel Nichols being her beautiful self or Ed Burns playing his usual Irish American self but I can’t because it doesn’t, and even what few it nearly has are hampered by an awful script.

Tyler Perry is an interesting guy and he made some interesting choices here and if this had been anything other than an action movie it could conceivably have been mediocre instead of terrible. He just looks wrong carrying a shotgun. He looks like he wants to give you a hug not shoot you in the face.

And then there’s Jack from Lost. He’s never been a particularly good actor but this is just… I don’t know what this is. His character bounces from being a serial killer to a (bad) master planner to a James Bond villain and everything in between, including a scene where he’s been shot but instead of sewing himself up he works out through the pain while having a tantrum like a 12 year old yelling at photos of Madea’s team of cops that stopped him. Seriously, you just can’t make this shit up.

I understand why this film was made: they wanted to cash in on Tyler Perry’s massive fan base. Too bad it turned out so shitty, but then again if you look at the list of films made by director Rob Cohen it’s not exactly surprising either.

The biggest problem here though is that it’s not even bad inn an enjoyable way, it’s just boring. I fell asleep watching it. I fell asleep writing about how I fell asleep watching it. I watched it less than 24 hours ago and there’s lots of plot details I simply can’t remember.

So all in all this is a terrible film made by terrible people, and you probably shouldn’t watch it. Shocking, I know.

Rating: 1/10.

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

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Matt Watches Bad Movies: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

Posted by Matthew on December 23, 2012
Movies / Comments Off on Matt Watches Bad Movies: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians Poster

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians Poster

I have to wonder what they were thinking. It certainly wasn’t “man, we sure are making a great movie!” I wonder if it was maybe “I sure am going to get a big refund next year, what with all the write offs you can claim by making a movie!” or perhaps “I GOT HIGH AND HAD A NIGHTMARE THAT MARTIANS KIDNAPPED SANTA LET’S MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF IT!”

Given that this film was released in 1966 I kind of think it might be that last one actually.

There was definitely a golden age of bad films and this was made in that era. Complete with poorly applied makeup, ridiculously cheap looking sets, hairdryers for rayguns, forced laughter at stupid jokes and music that cuts randomly as camera angles change. On the upside, movies from that time have awesome posters. Just check out this one in high resolution. Look at the detail and the ridiculous taglines and the wonderful typography and… well, we’re not here to critique posters are we?

We start on Mars where the children are all autistic. They watch TV and don’t speak and seem able to calculate the number of matches on the floor in a matter of moments. They never laugh though, so the supreme and super serious leader of the planet is concerned. He takes some people with him to visit someone smarter than himself but in the end just ends up talking to a hobo who moonlights as an amateur magician. The magician tells them that the children aren’t children but they could be if only they’d give them hopes and dreams that the adults could eventually crush.

Since it’s Septober –yes, I shit you not, it’s Septober on Mars. I hear it’s lovely that time of year. Awfully mild– that means it’s December on Earth and they can kidnap Santa Claus. Except the moustachioed bad guy think that having kids with autism is awesome and doesn’t want to have any part of it. Naturally, he then joins the mission to kidnap Santa.

The martians fly to earth on a spaceship made of cardboard and fly over a city and all the mall santas confuse them. They land, uh, somewhere else and kidnap two children who tell them where to find Santa in the North Pole. Oh, did I mention the whole world knows that Santa is real in this> The movie starts with a live newscast from his workshop.

When they get there they send in the totally-not-a-guy-in-a-cardboard-box model Robot they keep on hand but Santa does something and suddenly it’s just a toy.

They still manage to grab Santa and run all the way home, and on the way Moustacheo tries to vent Santa AND the two kids out an airlock just to prove he’s the villain. Think about that for a second though, he tries to kill two kids. This is going to come up later.

Back on Mars Super Serious Leader introduces his kids to the earth kids. Then Santa enters the room and starts laughing. Not just his usual “ho ho ho”, more of a “creepy old pedophile locked in a room with two kids” kind of creepy as hell laugh. Seriously.

Santa Builds a toy shop and he and the kids “work” there. Moustacheo sabotages the workings of the machinery by opening a panel that’s clearly not a bit of wood with wires sticking out of it at all and waves a wrench in it’s vicinity.

And now I have to tell you about the character I’ve been avoiding talking about. Dumbo, the laziest stupidest man on Mars or any other planet. A character who earlier in the film claims to have forgotten how to sleep and is constantly doing stupid shit for no reason. A character who in any kind of sane universe wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near important things, let alone kind of in charge of them.

Anyway, he’s taken a shining to Santa, dresses up like him and Moustacheo takes him hostage by accident. How Moustacheo mistook a guy he already knows with green skin and a ridiculous head mounted computer (totally not made from a bike helmet, by the way) for a white guy from Earth is never explained.

When he figures out he’s been duped he goes for the real Santa but the kids fend him off with toys. No, you read that right, the kids set toys on Moustacheo while Santa sits there and laughs his creepy laugh. These aren’t even toys that would hurt. One of them seems to be a Nerf Gun even, but our villain is completely overwhelmed and is holding a raygun AND had already earlier nearly succeeded in killing two of the four kids.

Super Serious Leader shows up and saves the day and when Santa sees Dumbo dressed up in the red suit he says “oh, you’ve already got a Santa so I can go home now.” To which his kidnappers say “yeah, cool bro” and send him home and the credits roll.

So, dumb plot with no real resolution and did you notice that Santa Claus doesn’t actually conquer anyone? I was hoping from the title that Santa would ride in on his sleigh and slay some Martians (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) but no such luck. Just the worst Christmas move I’ve ever seen.

It kid of has to be seen to be believed but I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s campy enough that I’ll give it a bonus star but in addition to being a bad movie it’s also just not very good. I fell asleep the first time I watched it and I don’t generally fall asleep during movies. While I’m also writing. During the day. After two cups of tea. It does have an awesome poster though.

So maybe do check it out if you have insomnia.

Rating: 1/10 (for camp value)

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

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Episode Forty: The Hobbit

Posted by Matthew on December 21, 2012
Podcast / Comments Off on Episode Forty: The Hobbit

We’re back with a short episode recorded immediately after our first viewing of The Hobbit. This one isn’t very long but does contain spoilers.

Subscribe to Awesome Friday! in iTunes

Like what you hear? Don’t like what you hear? Tell us! email at comments at, leave comments on this episodes page, and you can also follow us on twitter: @ManBitesWonders is Simon and @posterboy81 is Matt

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Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Posted by Matthew on December 16, 2012
Movies / 2 Comments
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 Poster

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 Poster

I’ve been staring at a blinking cursor for a few days now, stupefied. Every time I start to write I just don’t know what to say because as it turns out I actually liked parts of this movie. No foolin’. So before I start ripping it to shreds, because I said I liked parts of the movie and not the movie I am going to say this: If you want to have a decent time at the movies pointing and laughing at something, you could certainly do worse than Breaking Dawn Part 2 and if you can sit through the whole thing you’ll be rewarded with one of the best action set pieces I’ve seen all year.

So with that in mind if you want to go in spoiler free then you should stop reading right now, go watch it and then come back.

I’ll wait here.

Last chance.

Ok good. Let’s get started then.

Apologies if I created the impression that Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 is a good movie, it most certainly is not a good movie but what it is is a movie that, at least in part, is so bad that it’s good. Or at least has some fun bits.


This one starts out where the last one left off. Sad Girl has just woken up from being dead and is now Sad Vampire. Except she’s not sad anymore. And Sparkly Vampire is happy she’s a vampire and conveys this by staring sullenly.

Not Sad Vampire girl is told she needs to go eat, so she runs out into the woods to find something to kill. This part of the movie is, with out a doubt, one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. I hope to god it plays well in the book but in the movie? Not so much. But it does at least establish that she can run fast, hit hard, and smell things from miles off. Such as when she smells a climber from 10 miles away and runs after him by clawing her way up a mountain side. Yeah, literally, it’s fucking ridiculous. Sparkly Vampire shows up to stop her but her Vampire Super Power is self control, so that works out well for the hiker. I would have preferred to see her eat someone, but that’s just me.

She heads back to the deer, then a cougar is there, and she kills the cougar instead of the deer and it’s exactly as terrible as it looks like it is in the trailer.

When she gets home she finds out that Buffy the Werewolf totally isn’t in love with the baby and proceeds to beat him up. Which is kind of hilarious. Not that there are other werewolves in this scene but it’s apparently too much money to pay real people to appear so instead we get CGI werewolves that I can’t tell apart. In fact, I can’t remember any of the other werewolves having any dialogue in the whole film that isn’t barking or growling. I wonder how much money they saved.

Then Maggie Grace reports Not Sad Vampire, Sparkly Vampire and the whole family to the Vampire Police for making a vampire baby because, you know, reasons. We met her for about 30 seconds (not an exaggeration) in the last film and she said something about a bad guy character from the second movie but in this movie we don’t have any real context about why she’d rat them out (and for the wrong thing, too). Wait a minute, this is Twilight, nothing has made sense so far so why the fuck am I surprised?

So now the bad guys are coming again. VPD chief Michael Sheen is bringing the entire department to kill everyone. And there’s fighting in the trailer so this could be good. Except now we come to the requisite hour or more of absolutely nothing fucking happening. They say “ok, we need to get all our friends togehter to testify at the trial that may or may not be happening and also to fight the police because in the words of Ice Cube_fuck tha police_. They all go their separate ways and then nothing. Again.

I could rag on Stephanie Meyer for a lot of reasons but honestly, none of these moveis have a second act. You could literally cut this whole bit out and it would all make the same amount of sense.

Once the team is assembled assembled we get a brief “here’s how to use your powers” sequence because vampires get superpowers in this story (more on that shortly). There’s a girl with electricity powers, there’s a mind reader, there’s a girl who can project thoughts into your head, and a guy who can “manipulate the elements”. Not Sad Vampire Girl, as it turns out, has all of the Invisible Woman’s superpowers except the turning invisible bit. For those of you in the crowd who aren’t comic book that means force fields.

All this time Buffy the Werewolf is hanging around because he totally isn’t in love with the baby. No, really, he’s imprinted and devoted to her and her needs and wants and desires but it’s totally not a romantic thing. Seriously. It’s not.

Here’s where this film gets interesting. The good guys line up on one side of a frozen field and the bad guys on the other. There’s a lot of posturing and talking and Not Sad Girl uses her force fields and then HOLY SHIT THE HEADS ARE FLYING.

Sparkly Dad runs at the bad guys and gets his head ripped off. This starts one of he most entertaining battle sequences I’ve seen on film all year. It’s ten solid minutes of nearly indestructible people with super powers beating up on one another and ripping each others heads off (because that’s the only way to kill a vampire in this world). People are leaping, getting zapped with electricity and suffocated in killer fog, there’s kung fu fighting and all out brawling and then the guy who manipulates the elements PUNCHES THE GROUND SO HARD IT OPENS UP A CHASM FULL OF LAVA. TOTALLY NOT KIDDING. People fall in, get tossed in and die in the lava. One of the wolves I’m totally supposed to be on a first name basis with by now dies in what the 13 year old girls in the crowd later told me was the saddest shot in the movie. Still didn’t know who it was, but sure, it was an effective shot.

Not as effective though as my favourite shot in the movie where, when Future Telling Sister Vampire grabs Dakota Fanning by the back of the neck and FEEDS HER HEAD FIRST TO A WEREWOLF.

You also have to remember during this entire sequence nothing is held back. Good guys and bad guys alike are dying left right and center. I’m completely not kidding when I say it’s an epic fight with lots of consequences. Or at least I wouldn’t be if it were any other movie, because turns out the battle didn’t actually happen. Yeah, that’s right, it’s just a mental projection by Future Telling Sister Vampire to scare off the VPD.

Everyone is still fine standing in the background and the chasm full of lava was just a cruel dream. Then a new character we’ve never met before, ever, or even really heard of shows up and says “the baby is like me, half and half” and the VPD says “oh really? we’re cool then. bye guys, thanks for coming out” and everyone gets a happy ending.

Yeah, Deus Ex Machina and a happy ending for all. No consequences for anyone, just exactly the happiest of endings for everyone without any real work to get there. Fuck you Stephanie Meyer.

The only other thing about this movie I liked was that Sad Girl became Not Sad Vampire and finally became somewhat of a real character. I know this is meant to fulfil the “born to be a vampire” bit of her arc, but it’s nice she’s not so much of a blank slate and finally a character that it makes sense people would want to fight over / have sex with. Speaking of which, they all say how much better she looks dead but I think that’s just because she starts wearing makeup and dressing better.

Other than that this is a lot of the same old shit, right down to having some otherwise great actors (like Lee Pace and Joe Anderson) horribly miscast and a middle act with nothing happening.

The films all seem to have a bad case of Harry Potter Syndrome where the story has been adapted but only the basic parts of it, none of whatever nuance the books may have and as a result I had no idea who any of the supporting characters were in any of them.

This one also has a mild case of Lord of the Rings-itis too in that it has a number of endings including the Deus Ex Machina mentioned above, and also including one where Buffy the Werewolf asks Sparkly Vampire “should I start calling you dad?” and you realize “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY HE REALLY DID FALL IN LOVE WITH A BABY! IT’S NOT PLATONIC LIKE THEY SAID, IT’S ROMANTIC AND SHE’S LITERALLY A BABY. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK STEPHANIE MEYER!”

And when it ends there’s sweeping Lord of the Rings style credits where we get images of everyone who starred in them, including all the minor characters I couldn’t keep track of as well as Deus Ex Machine himself who was on screen for less than 2 minutes total.

I did have a good time watching this movie, but it was mostly due to a combination of how easy it was to literally point and laugh and also Stockholm Syndrome. I’m pretty sure anyway.

Just remember, no matter what anyone else says in any of the movies, THE WEREWOLF FELL IN ROMANTIC LOVE WITH A BABY. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK.

Rating: 4/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

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Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Posted by Matthew on December 09, 2012
Movies / Comments Off on Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt1 Poster

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt1 Poster

Christ on the motherfucking cross. I have been having trouble each time I go to start these reviews of Twilight because so little happens in each one. Honestly, it’s hard to write about nothing. I don’t know how Stephanie Meyer does it because while I have a hard time writing about nothing it must be even harder to actually just write nothing.

That’s what these films are so far, in case you haven’t put this together from my previous twilight reviews. Something happens, and then a shit load of people looking sad, talking about looking sad, and laying around, and staring at one another. It’s been kind of infuriating, and I still have one more movie to go because they made two movies out of the last book! There’s so much nothing they couldn’t cram it all into one 2 hour movie!

So Sad Girl and Sparkly are finally married. They go away to the island that Sparkly’s mom owns for their honeymoon. Wait, what? Ok, wait, I know that the Sparkle Family is old and all but how much money do they have anyway? Is this ever made clear? It makes sense they’d have enough to fly around the world at the drop of a hat, but enough for Sparkle Dad to give his wife a fucking Brazilian island? Oh, wait, Stephanie Meyer is a lazy writer. Nevermind.

Anyway, they go away and they’re married. So maybe instead of just laying around in meadows and starting at each other maybe Sad Girl and Sparkly can finally have some sex and then maybe they can smile. For once. Instead of standing around with their mouths half open worrying about whether the last 30 seconds were the best or second best thirty seconds of their lives.

Turns out it doesn’t work though. Good sweet jesus these people can’t even have sex without moping about for ages. Except this time it’s mostly Sparkly being all “omg i gave you a bruise” and to her credit, Sad Girl being all “FUCK YEAH BRUISES I LIKE IT! WHY AREN’T YOU PLOUGHING ME LIKE A BEAN FIELD??”

Although I don’t understand why when he says “I don’t want to hurt you” she doesn’t say “then let me be on top for once you selfish prick.” And then when she finally does it fades to black and I remembered I was watching a kids movie. Le sigh.

And then because there hasn’t been any drama for the last while it turns out that Sparkly has put his demon spawn in her belly. Which isn’t even hyperbole, he’s literally a demon and his spawn is in her belly and everyone starts moping again.

As an aside I have a question for Stephanie Meyer: In her world vampires don’t have blood. You can rip their heads off, slice, them dice them, make julienne fries out of them, nothing. No blood. But somehow they have all the other bodily fluids. How does that make any sense whatsoever?

Aaaaaaaanyway. They go back to Drearytown and don’t tell anyone, but then the Gay Wolf Club find out and get their cutoffs in a bunch, and then there’s well over an hour of brooding while nothing happens.

Sad Girl stays pregnant for a while, the Demon Spawn apparently is eating her from the inside out and the Gay Wolf Club gets really upset. because if a vampire hurts a human that’s, like, bad and they blame Sparkly. For, you know, reasons.

Then the baby is born and Sad girl “dies” on the table and Buffy the Werewolf blames Demon Spawn and decides to kill Demon Spawn. What the hell is it with Stephanie Meyer and killing kids? So Buffy goes to do that but when he sees the Demon Spawn, the newborn baby, he fucking falls in love with it.

Let me repeat that. Buffy the Werewolf falls in love with a baby. There’s a brief fight outside between the Gay Wolf Club and Sparkly Family but then they find out Buffy fell in love and they’re all “oh, really? right, we’re cool then bro.” and leave. Then Sad Girl wakes up with red eyes, which means she’s a vampire.

And that’s it.

Now, I know that this movie is really just an adaptation of the first two thirds of the last book so finding an ending in there was probably pretty hard, but it’s like Stephanie Meyer doesn’t ever want to take an real risks. This is something I’ve noticed in all four of the movies so far is that there’s a shit load of build up to each of the films climaxes but then nothing happens. No one is ever hurt or killed or anything. At worst, in the second film, everyone got a stern reprimand from the Vampire Police. Heaven forbid her characters even have to learn something or grow.

It’s bad enough that the overreaching message of this “saga” is that what not having any self esteem or personality and latching onto the nearest person who will treat you with any regard whatsoever –even if it’s just as a pet, which is how Sparkly treats Sad Girl– is the same thing as falling in love, it’s also pretending that this lazy ass excuse for a story is good writing, good drama. I think if when I am one day a parent my kid picks up these books? I am going to make it a rule that they read Shakespeare or Tolkien Steinbeck or Fitzgerald in between the books just so they understand how bad their choice actually was.

The one thing that this movie gives me some slight hope for is the last movie. Since it’s just an adaptation of the last act of the last book it’s basically all going to be ending. It’s a slight hope, given this series history with shitty endings, but there is one other thing to consider:

I’ll finally be done watching this fucking dreck and move onto watching something else terrible..

Rating: 1/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

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Episode Thirty Nine: Twilight and Star Trek

Posted by Matthew on December 07, 2012
Podcast / Comments Off on Episode Thirty Nine: Twilight and Star Trek

We;re back with another episode! This week we talk a lot about a little, most prominently of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2, the new teaser for the teaser of Star Trek Into Darkness, a whole bunch more about Minecraft and Halo 4, and a lot of other things too!

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Like what you hear? Don’t like what you hear? Tell us! email at comments at, leave comments on this episodes page, and you can also follow us on twitter: @ManBitesWonders is Simon and @posterboy81 is Matt

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Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: Eclipse

Posted by Matthew on December 02, 2012
Movies / Comments Off on Matt Watches Bad Movies: Twilight: Eclipse
Twilight: Eclipse Poster

Twilight: Eclipse Poster

I almost want to say that in watching these movies I’m becoming more interested in seeing what happens next. I thought about this for a few minutes last night after watching Eclipse and I came to the conclusion that I don’t so much want to see what happens next as I do want to see something, fucking anything happen in these movies. I’ve got two more to go after this one and it’d be nice if at least one of the five movies has anything of consequence to the characters actually happening.

That being said, as compared to New Moon Eclipse is a fucking masterpiece of character development. Sort of. If you don’t count that said development has also already happened in the last five minutes of the last movie. Seriously, at the end of the last movie Sad Girl tells Buffy the Werewolf that she’ll always choose the Sparkly Vampire –something that she repeats at the start of this film– and then she spends most of this film choosing between Buffy and Sparkly.

I knew the love triangle seemed forced but I was chalking that up to bad acting more than anything because nothing else happens in these movies. I’m three films in now and nothing of consequence has really happened to anyone except that the Clingy Sad Girl was adopted as a pet by the Sparkly Vampire. I think so that he can live vicariously through her. Pun completely intended.

So this time around the bad guy is the Sparkly Ginger from the first movie. She showed up for about 30 seconds in the last one so we’d know she’s still around, but now she’s the big bad. Or so they tell me, because she only has about 30 seconds of screen time. She spends most of the movie not in the movie and there’s an entirely new guy she creates and apparently controls.

The reason for this is that it turns out that Future Telling Sparkly Baby Sister can’t actually see the future, she can see the outcomes from peoples decisions, and that she’s focussing on Gingers decisions so Ginger makes someone new to make decisions for her. First let me say that when you think about it this makes a kind of sense which is good because something in these films fucking has to. Thing is, that’s not how it’s really been portrayed so far, so it doesn’t make sense.

Anyway, Ginger hates Sparkly because Sparkly killed her boyfriend and now Ginger wants to kill Sparkly’s pet for revenge but she can’t do it on her own so she makes a few vampires and marches on forest town to kill people. While all these new vampires are being created the Vampire PD show up and do nothing but watch despite that one of the only laws VPD is meant to enforce is “don’t be an obnoxious twat and make a big mess” and these new vampires are obnoxious twats making a big mess.

There’s also a kid vampire who gets a bunch of screen time because later in the film they need a way to prove that VPD are the bad guys and the easiest way to do that? Have them kill the kid! No, seriously, the bag guys kill a kid. Slightly messed up.

And this happens right after the big final fight. Now, I will say that the big fight has a few cool moments. Watching Future Telling Baby Sister and her apparently civil war soldier boyfriend beat their way through some random bad guys is all right, and wolves eat vampires which is alright, and Sparkly kills ginger, which is alright.

Oh, yeah, Buffy the Werewolf and Sparkly decide to work together because Sparkly is outnumbered and Buffy likes killing vampires. And Sad Girl’s in danger, and he wants to protect her because he loves her for, you know, reasons.

But here’s the main reason why the big fight sucks. Future Telling Sister saw it coming in the first act. Every minor character spends the rest of the movie training and learning to work together with the Gay Wolf Club while Sad Girl, Buffy and Sparkly mope about how much Sad Girl loves Sparkly. And then it’s over in like 2 minutes flat, no one on the good guys side is hurt except for Buffy, after the fight, and then VPD shows up to say “by the way we’re still actually the bad guys even though we’ve done nothing in this movie. Look, we’ll kill a kid just to prove it.”

Speaking of the Gay Wolf Club, do they have jean shorts hidden everywhere in the state? Because every time they shape shift their clothes rip off, but every time they shift back and come around a corner as a person again they are wearing jean cutoffs. That’s weird, right? I can’t be the only one to have noticed this.

A lot of people I know feel like they are milking the shit out of Twilight by splitting the fourth book into two parts but you know what? I disagree. If Stephanie Meyer wrote things happening in that book it’s probably best we see them all. No, if they are milking Twilight it’s by not looking at New Moon and Eclipse and thinking “shit nothing happens here, maybe we should condense them into one movie.”

Granted, I don’t think that would have made a better movie but at least it would have been one less to sit through.

Rating: 1/10

Matt Watches Bad Movies is a weekly feature in which Matt watches a bad film so you don’t have to. If you have suggestions of something terrible you’ve seen, or haven’t seen but are morbidly curious about, feel free to make suggestions in the comments or via twitter @posterboy81

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